Wednesday, 4 May 2011
There is a particular sentence that I have told myself often that will now no longer be part of my vocabulary.
Back in November the future was looking promising and two blue lines on a home pregnancy test made me smile. I waited for the fertility clinic to call me with my beta numbers and I was certain that both embryos transferred during our FET cycle stuck because I got positive results on my tests so early. I was shocked when the clinic called and told me that despite my home tests, my blood levels showed that it was not going to be a viable pregnancy. I was heart broken but told myself that things couldn't get any worse.
Then in March when Nick was diagnosed with cancer, I was devastated and momentarily allowed fear to grasp me but I pulled myself together and again told myself that we had entered a dark place but things couldn't get any worse.
As always my family pulled together and knowing how uncomfortable I am leaving the boys with a babysitter my Aunt Bonnie offered to come from northern Ontario every 3 weeks to stay with them while I am in the hospital with Nick ... as always my Grandpa tags along.
Nick finished his second round of chemo this past Friday and then on Sunday before dawn Grandpa and Bonnie did their usual quick get away. This was how it was normally done because it avoided the tearful and drama filled good-bye from the boys and it allowed them to end their seven hour commute and get home by lunch time.
Had I known the day would end the way it did I would have gotten up to say good-bye.
As I sat eating left over chinese food my cell phone rang, it was another of my aunts calling.
I knew ... I just knew but I sat quietly and listened... Cass there was an accident, Grandpa didn't make it and Bonnie is hurt and in the ICU.
I tried to use my go-to comfort statement but the words just wouldnt come - I knew they were a lie.
No matter what happens it CAN get worse and the days can get darker and scarier, its sad but its the truth.
I always thought that God would never give me more then my shoulders could bear but I was wrong, perhaps though its not about carrying the entire load but figuring out how to carry, push, pull, drag, and kick it while still knowing that no matter how bleak the current situation is there is a purpose for the load and it will eventually one day all make sense.
Maybe its about being willing to carry the load vs carrying it all without dropping anything.
I am doing my best to balance two boys with special needs, a hearing impaired toddler, a teenager with cancer, my aunt being very injured and in the ICU hundreds of miles away and the tragic loss of my grandpa...
Our family is strong and we pull together in times of crisis, it doesnt change what happens but it does make the load a bit lighter when there are others to help carry it.