Thursday, 21 June 2012
I have a confession to make, despite my on line handle I am not always a Supermom.
There are times that I struggle and times when life and all of its stresses get the best of me.
Shortly after I turned thirty I decided that I was tired of the way that I'd been acting and feeling, I was keeping friends and family at a distance and I was feeling not quite like myself. My diet went to hell in a burning ball of flames and I totally stopped exercising. Everyday was becoming the same.... different doctors about different issues but everyday blended into the next - morning routine, appointments and housework, school pick up, dinner, baths, bed..... start all over.
I was becoming annoyed for no reason and honestly I was just feeling blah.
I realized that I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the next bad thing to happen and all that I was really doing was distancing myself from the now.... there in body but not in heart....
My children and my husband were not getting the best of me, they were getting their basic needs met but the things that they needed to grow emotionally, spiritually and developmentally were missing. I was squashing them, my thumb on them constantly.... sometimes pressure creates diamonds and other times it creates dust.
It had happened, what everyone said would happen was happening, I was cracking, crumbling and caving to the pressure that had built. The emotional dam was breaking and I needed to get it repaired. This had happened before, years ago after I lost the baby and it ruined things for a long time, I wasn't about to let it happen again and so I decided to schedule a chat with a social worker. It was casual and almost like girlfriends chatting, she had said that it surprised her that it took me so long to talk with anyone.
Eventually she said that it sounded a bit like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
We only chatted monthly and as of now I don't even have anything booked because I am feeling much better, I have made it a point of going out with girlfriends, taking Maxwell on play dates during the day, getting back into a healthy type of lifestyle (and I am making Dom do it too).
Dom was a little upset that I didn't tell him that I was talking to a counsellor, I didn't tell anyone. It wasn't a secret exactly but I didn't want anyone looking for the changes in me, dissecting me looking for hints that I was internally changing. I didn't want people tip toeing around me now thinking that I am weak.... I am far from it, I am strong enough to realize that maybe I needed a momentary boost from someone not emotionally invested in me.... I didn't want to burden someone that I love with my issues.
At the end of the day its about seeing that there was something out of whack and fixing it. This getting back to a "normal life" is not for the faint of heart and I knew that it wouldn't be easy.
Once again the winds had changed and I needed to redirect my sails. The choppy waters have settled into mild ripples and I can now begin to enjoy the ride.
Monday, 11 June 2012
Sorry that its taken me so long to blog anything, honestly I am just in a little funk. Its not a bad funk its just a blah funk and I am growing quite annoyed with it.
I keep thinking that things are going to lift this grey cloud but that doesn't seem to be the case. I was totally pumped about the Relay For Life but then it poured rain and the majority of our team wasn't able to participate at the last minute and so my gusto quickly vanished.
I personally think that all of the different medications that I've taken for the IVF have just messed with my system.... I've been on and off birth control, I've added and taken away hormones and I've beat up my body from the inside out. Anyone thats done IVF knows that its no picnic and so I guess after over a decade my body is taking longer to bounce back.
I'm supposed to be working out like a lunatic and eating a proper diet but so far I've pretty much been living the pizza, coke and Teen Mom Marathon type of lifestyle. Not exactly the best way to get my mind in a good place.
Summer is coming and the boys will be home everyday and while I am looking forward to not having to make lunches anymore I am kind of anxious about the drama that fills their lives when the routine gets messed up.
I have been toying around with the concept of hiring a mothers helper a couple of afternoons per week but in all honesty I am cheap and don't really want to pay someone what they will no doubt deserve.... In the end I know that my mental health comes with a price and I just need to pay what keeping it is worth.
Our back yard is coming along nicely and our family is enjoying it, the boys spend a large amount of time swimming and Maxwell is certainly enjoying the playground.
Nick had his CT scan done and now we just wait for the results and Maxwell went for his GI follow up but is now being referred to an allergist because they suspect that he has a cow's milk protein allergy in addition to the lactase deficiency. He also hasn't grown since his hospital stay over Christmas so if he still hasn't grown by our next appointment in August then he will be attending the endocrinologist appointment with Nick..... Clearly I don't have an issue with growing so I don't know what my bio boys problem is LOL
I think that I need to make a list of what needs to be done to stay healthy and keep my home running smoothly and then do it.... crossing things off the list as I go.
Perhaps after all these years of parenting in such a methodical and organized way I've developed some transitioning anxieties myself.