Thursday, 26 May 2011
To Sleep Perchance To Dream
As long as I can remember I have had an ability that I consider kinda special, its certainly not even remotely close to any psychic ability but it at times it has been kinda strange - I dream of things that often seem to have cryptic messages and often involve family members who have passed away.
I recently had a dream about eating raw chicken and then spitting it out, it felt so real that I woke up feeling sick to my stomach, after a little research I learned that dreaming of eating raw poultry represents "ingesting or swallowing a sickness or illness" but the fact that I spat it out represented my "unwillingness to accept the sickness or illness".
Another strange one happened a few weeks ago, I dreamed of my Grandma however she was talking through my Grandpa like some ventriloquist act, she was telling me that it would be ok and was pointing to a map of texas. Less then two weeks later my Grandpa died and he will now not be accompanying us on Nick's make a wish trip to texas.
Over the last few weeks I have been trying to process this new life of mine, and I am doing my best to not focus on all of the negative things that have happened but that is hard to do at times.
We have ordered a dumpster and are doing a major spring cleaning as well as landscaping the yard and adding a swimming pool and hot tub. I also think that I am going to invest in a decent Christmas tree since that holiday will now be celebrated here instead of at my Grandparents home. I am trying to reconnect with me and embrace this new existence, it will take time but I'm sure that it will happen.
Today is the tenth day in a row that Nick has been so sick that he has only been able to get out of bed for a few short hours at a time and I am ANGRY!
I am mad that my child is so sick and I'm disappointed that even the most potent and creative cocktail of multiple anti-nausea medication cant seem to settle his stomach.
My marriage has really proved what its made of, we have banded together and my husband has made me so proud of him. I was worried that since his mother passed away of cancer he would bury his head in the sand like an ostrich and leave me to fend for myself but surprisingly enough he hasnt.
We had a nice long chat the other day about what our future holds and he surprised me with his thoughts. Over all of our years trying to get pregnant I have been the ultra motivated one and he has been supportive but I knew that he was that way for my benefit.... he would have been ok emotionally if I'd given up years ago. We discussed how our plans to try IVF again have been put on an indefinate hold because of my fear about the cancer returning and about how maybe I just needed to be finished with that part of my life and move on but to my astonishment he said that he wants to try again at some point. I decided not to even think about ivf or anymore babies but that night during a dream my grandma paid me a visit, I told her about how I was born to be a mom and my heart isnt ready to be done but my fear tells me that I need to be, that my anxiety is in the drivers seat and even though I have no intentions of trying again any time in the near future I dont know if I should even ever try again; calmly she said "in the quiet you will know, he will tell you".
The following day the hospital was a zoo and blood work that generally takes 10 minutes took over two hours. The hallway was like a can of sardines and the echo of voices was deafening. Suddenly there was silence and for a moment everyone was quiet.... it was so strange that I lifted my head to see why there was no sound. Just as I did that I felt a squish around my shoulder, who was hugging me???
It was none other then my fertility doctor of over ten years. We've missed you at the office he said but I've got a feeling that you'll be back.
Maybe one day if life allows it I responded .... Maybe one day.