Monday, 10 March 2014
Embracing The Journey
Its no secret that I've always wanted a big family and I have come to accept that there are two options in life, accept what you are given or work your ass off for what you want. I have always been the type to do the latter. I love the movie Cheaper By The Dozen, there is a scene where they are having breakfast before school and its total chaos, there is food throwing and a loose frog and big giant mess but every time I see that part of the movie I smile. I want that.
Cheaper By The Dozen - Breakfast Scene
I could have let losing the baby ruin it, I could have allowed my life to be quiet, to make a different plan for the future and move on but screw that.... that's just not the type of girl that I am.
I worked hard to create my family and I make no apologies for it, I know that its not for everyone, that it looks a little crazy and difficult and I am ok with that. I don't judge those who only want a small family or those who decide to accept the cards they have been dealt and change their original path so if others judge me then that's their problem not mine. My happiness just looks differently then theirs.
I debated about whether to cycle privately, to keep it a secret and just pop up 3 months pregnant never speaking of the multiple appointments or daily injections or worries that come with assisted reproduction. I didn't want to hear the judgement or comments that I have heard in the past. Something changed my mind, I saw a quote on Pinterest that said The Journey Is Just As Important As The Destination. Its true, I cant just have a white girl wasted night and surprisingly miss a period two weeks later. It takes months of preparation and planning and artificial hormones and I don't feel like lying about the mood swings that accompany them. There's also a second part..... My failures are a part of me, they have molded me into the person and parent that I am. They have made me more compassionate in some areas and more bitter in others. They have taught me appreciation and they have removed my patience for bull shit. Keeping my failures a secret minimizes them. If by some miracle I get pregnant I know just as every infertile knows it can end in the blink of an eye, I want to be happy in every minute that I have it and I don't want to do that secretly.
It took me 3 IVF cycles and 11 frozen cycles to conceive Maxwell and I knew the moment he was born that we would try again. Over the past four years we have done another fresh cycle and two frozen transfers but they all failed. I was diagnosed as a recurrent loss patient and underwent a battery of tests and surgeries/procedures to try and help. We are now thinking outside the box where medication and preparation are concerned and we are taking the approach of "if it won't hurt lets try it"
There have been multiple set backs because of Maxwell's health but we are now in a good place and are ready to move forward. Medical consents have been signed and I spent international women's day getting a uterine biopsy to try and aid in implantation after the embryo transfer.
Now we wait, in about a week I will head back to the clinic and start the frozen embryo transfer cycle.
I know the odds are against me, I am not naive to the likely outcome but despite that I still have some hope, sometimes miracles happen....