Saturday, 25 August 2012
Putting It All Out There
I recently got an email from a virtual friend who revealed that she is having some rough times in her life.... more then most know about because she has decided to remain private about the difficulties that were happening.
She commented about how I am so open and honest and she wanted to know if being that way was helpful as I seem to have more on my plate then most do but I am able to juggle it all.
Her question made me stop and think, why do I blog, tweet, or post status? Why am I active on "mom" forums or infertility sites.... I am not the best writer nor do I think that I am offering any intentional teachable insights so why do I do what I do?
The answer is simple - because it helps me, it calms that inner part that sometimes wants to freak the fuck out.
I've always done it, long before blogs and social media there were journals and word documents saved in hidden files on the computer, there were letters written expressing hurt, anger and sadness or love, lust, regret or embarrassment that were all promptly ripped up.
I was the girl with the garbage bin full of crumpled paper and even to this day I am never too far from my binder or iphone note pad.
As my fingers type I am not contemplating what the person reading it will think.... I am completely purging for my own personal benefit. Love it or hate it - it doesn't matter because its not about being popular, its about being grounded and present and ensuring that if in that moment I am not then I have something detailing my life to look back on.
The fact is that time changes things, I can look back now on the time when Nick was diagnosed and I can put such a positive spin on it because I know how the story goes (until now) but that isn't really the truth.
If I am being really honest though that time is a haze, the best way to describe it is like looking back on being in labor. You know that it was painful and certain parts stand out in your memory but the middle aspects are fuzzy. Putting thoughts and feelings into words allows me to rely on something more accurate then my fading memory. When I read my early entries I feel sick to my stomach, tears burn my cheeks and my fingers tremble as I scroll the pages. I can forget how it felt to be in that moment.... time dulls the emotions but sometimes reliving them can take you to a better place. One day Nick was being a real pest.... complaining about there being "no food in the house" which in teenager talk means nothing that couldn't be cooked in the blink of an eye. He complained about this and that and my patience was dwindling, reading my blog brought me back to a place of appreciation. I was able to hear his bitching and appreciate that I still have him with me to do it.
I was able to take a step back and see that despite my ears being dangerously close to bleeding from all of the bitching, we were in such a good place compared to where we had been not that long before.
I think that so many people have such blessings in their lives and they ignore them or cant see them because they are so focused on the things that seem like curses. I see the bad for what it is, make a plan to deal with it and move on as if it were normal. Allowing the bad to rent space within me means that there isn't room for the good and that will only create someone who is bitter and angry all the time.
Being open and honest with my writing allows me to be authentic with the world and with myself. What you read is what you would see in real life. Sometimes my life is shitty, sometimes its wonderful and most often its a mix of the in between but its mine and I need to live it the best way that I can. For me that means occasionally being able to look back and read my thoughts as if I were a stranger.... the good the bad and the ugly.
To come to terms with the fact that sometimes to appreciate how beautiful the light is you have to remember the feelings that came with the darkness. And if my inner most thoughts shared with the world happen to effect someone reading them well then I am just that much more blessed as a person.
Its just who I am.........................