We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails
~ author unknown
This past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my entire life and believe me when I say that over the course of my twenty nine years there have been many hard weeks to choose from but this one takes the cake.
As I stood in the children's hospital gift shop feeling sorry for myself I looked up in an attempt to keep myself from crying and saw this quote displayed in large font on the wall.
They are just eleven short words but when combined they bring such meaning.
I have four boys named Nick, Kurt, Riddick and Maxwell. While they are all my children they all came to me in their own unique way ... I should have known that our lives wouldnt be a walk in the park, we never seem to take the easy route lol
Nick became my son by surprise, he was the best gift that I never knew I wanted and he is now the age that I was when I had him. Kurt was again a surprise, after a family friend fell on hard times she made the most courageous decision and he became my forever baby. I met Riddick on-line ... honestly, after deciding to adopt my husband Dom and I saw him on the local government adoption website and within three months we brought him home. As for Maxwell, he is my meant to be baby. He and I met in a dream and he lived as a hope in my heart for ten years until he became real with the help of science (and lots of money lol)
Each of my children has their own unique needs, Kurt has autism, Riddick has global developmental delay, Maxwell has a hearing impairment which leaves him 80% deaf and this past week we learned that Nick has cancer.
I dont have your typical family and that is something that I have always loved the most, I have always called the way that we function "controlled chaos" but as of right now our lives are still chaotic but there is nothing controlled about it. Right now I am simply putting one foot in front of the other, having no expectations of myself aside from blinking and breathing and most importantly I am doing my best to "adjust my sails" because God has shown me that while I thought that I was in control, the wind was never really in my grasp. There are times that I will stumble, that I will be week, there will be times where my fears will have me by the heart and I will question my own strength but I know that I can do this. While some friends and family have let me down far more have astonished me with their support, compassion, generosity and love
I will be using this blog to journal what is going to be the most trying and challenging time in our lives.... being Nick's biggest cheerleader while he kicks cancer's ass and continuing to be the best mom I can be for my other boys, ensuring that they continue to feel loved, wanted and safe while their needs are met in all areas of their lives.
My husband and I have a long road ahead with these boys but together we will make it and we will come out on the other end being masters of our ships and knowing just where those sails need to be for smooth sailing.