Thursday, 21 June 2012
Not Always Supermom
I have a confession to make, despite my on line handle I am not always a Supermom.
There are times that I struggle and times when life and all of its stresses get the best of me.
Shortly after I turned thirty I decided that I was tired of the way that I'd been acting and feeling, I was keeping friends and family at a distance and I was feeling not quite like myself. My diet went to hell in a burning ball of flames and I totally stopped exercising. Everyday was becoming the same.... different doctors about different issues but everyday blended into the next - morning routine, appointments and housework, school pick up, dinner, baths, bed..... start all over.
I was becoming annoyed for no reason and honestly I was just feeling blah.
I realized that I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the next bad thing to happen and all that I was really doing was distancing myself from the now.... there in body but not in heart....
My children and my husband were not getting the best of me, they were getting their basic needs met but the things that they needed to grow emotionally, spiritually and developmentally were missing. I was squashing them, my thumb on them constantly.... sometimes pressure creates diamonds and other times it creates dust.
It had happened, what everyone said would happen was happening, I was cracking, crumbling and caving to the pressure that had built. The emotional dam was breaking and I needed to get it repaired. This had happened before, years ago after I lost the baby and it ruined things for a long time, I wasn't about to let it happen again and so I decided to schedule a chat with a social worker. It was casual and almost like girlfriends chatting, she had said that it surprised her that it took me so long to talk with anyone.
Eventually she said that it sounded a bit like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
We only chatted monthly and as of now I don't even have anything booked because I am feeling much better, I have made it a point of going out with girlfriends, taking Maxwell on play dates during the day, getting back into a healthy type of lifestyle (and I am making Dom do it too).
Dom was a little upset that I didn't tell him that I was talking to a counsellor, I didn't tell anyone. It wasn't a secret exactly but I didn't want anyone looking for the changes in me, dissecting me looking for hints that I was internally changing. I didn't want people tip toeing around me now thinking that I am weak.... I am far from it, I am strong enough to realize that maybe I needed a momentary boost from someone not emotionally invested in me.... I didn't want to burden someone that I love with my issues.
At the end of the day its about seeing that there was something out of whack and fixing it. This getting back to a "normal life" is not for the faint of heart and I knew that it wouldn't be easy.
Once again the winds had changed and I needed to redirect my sails. The choppy waters have settled into mild ripples and I can now begin to enjoy the ride.