Last week I invited all of my faithful followers to send me an email asking any question that you wanted to know the answer to.
Some of the questions were serious, thought provoking, funny and down right foolish.
I have picked a few randomly and decided not to think of what the correct or PC answer would be and I am just going to answer them honestly and from the heart.
Here we go.....
What did I invision my life being like?
I thought that my life would be similar to this but minus the infertility, autism, cancer and stress. I always wanted to get married, have kids and pets, be happy and just feel fulfilled.
What is the hardest part of having a child with cancer?
Seeing him sick and being unable to help and knowing that he is scared of the unknown and not being able to reassure him with any certainty that things are going to be ok.
What is my day like?
It varies from day to day but they are all filled with meetings, treatments, phone calls, emails and other must do things.
Did I always want a unique family?
Honestly.... no. I wanted what most girls want, a husband and some kids. But life comes with twists and turns and the path that I took wasn't a straight forward one, it was bumpy and with pot holes but at the end of the trip the destination was the same.
One of the poems that I love is called Welcome to Holland. When I am having a bad day and I am viewing my life in a negative way I will often read this poem:
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland?" I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
How do I do it?
This question always kinda makes me laugh, how do I not do it? Its my life, I wake up each day to this existence and so I "keep calm and carry on"... most days are good, most days contain laughter, hugs and smiles, most days I wouldnt trade my life for all the tea in China..... most days.
What are some things that I have learned?
Oh good question! I learned that I really am stronger then I give myself credit for, that nurses are underappreciated, that there are some kind and wonderful people in the world, that blood does not make you family, that I can function on very little sleep, that kidney stones really hurt, that my child is like me in so many ways, that when push comes to shove I can be a mean and agressive person, that I am able to remember the names and dosages of many medications and when talking about cancer the terms and names can sound like a different language, that its ok to tell people that I'm in a bad mood and they need to leave me alone, that hospitals charge way too much for parking, that blueberry coffee is horrible, that I have the most amazing group of friends that a girl could ask for, that my marriage isn't perfect but its solid and stable and will last the test of time, that I am so thankful for my husbands medical benefits, that I appreciate things that many people overlook, that I count my blessings every single day, that I never gave myself enough credit, that I am a control freak and I set the bar really low for the people in my life.
The list goes on and on.... I learn something new everyday.
Am I planning on adding any more kids to my family?
Planning.... no. Hoping...yes. Because of my infertility getting pregnant is nearly impossible and its very expensive so its not something that I can just pencil into my agenda. I go back and forth about wanting more children. By the time I have any more babies Nick will be gone to college and my youngest will be in school full time. But I think about the "what ifs"... what if the cancer comes back..... I dont want to live in the negative and theres that saying "what you fear you create" factor.
What are my future plans?
I dont have any! Who would have thought that eh?!
These past seven months have taught me that I cant plan for everything and that I need to release my grip a bit. I have some thoughts about what I'd like to happen... home renevations, some extra curricular activities for the boys, Nick's make a wish trip to Texas for "real" steak and coasters at six flags. Celebrating my tenth wedding anniversary and getting body into a healthy place. I have lots of thoughts and goals but no real plans.
So there ya have it.... some answers about me... all of which you likely knew already.
Oh I almost forgot - for the person that wanted to know what I eat for lunch.... most days its a lean cuisine frozen meal that's been cooked and then forgotten about in the microwave lol