Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Throw The Raft Or Pray For A Miracle
After finishing my coffee this morning I gathered up Maxwell and headed out the door to get Nick and head off to radiation when I was greeted on the walkway by a lovely woman and her two small daughters.
They dressed in beautiful pink Easter-ish jackets and the little girls sported blonde pigtails. I knew right away that the woman was there to teach me about the "real" God and her girls simply tagged along.
I polietly said that I needed to leave and told her the reason to which friendly and interesting conversation began.
She asked some questions about Nick and about how treatment has been so far and then told me that she "admired my bravery" as she could never do what I am doing. Of course you could if you had to I replied but she simply shook her head to disagree. She explained that her belief is that either God will produce a miracle and spare her child or he would give her the strength to understand that he must take her to be with him for all eternity.
My eyes immediately shifted to these two sweet girls no more then four years old and I couldn't help but ask so if there was a treatment which would save them you would rather let them die?
She told me that the treatment could potentially cause more cancer in the future and would rob them of their ability to create more of gods children.
Her logic and thought process astounded me, I couldnt even imagine my child escentially drowning and having a life raft in my hand only to keep it to my self and hope that God would swoop in and work a miracle. Maybe the miracle is the doctors, the science, the human bodies ability to handle disease & treatment and still recover..... Maybe one persons miracle is different then another.
We said our good byes and went on our way but my mind was still swirling from our conversation. On one hand I thought this woman was nuts but on the other her faith overwhelmed me.
I suppose by default I am catholic, I was baptised, had my first confession and communnion, I was confirmed and only ever attended catholic school but I cant say that I am a faithful follower.
I was married in the Salvation Army church but again didnt feel that I fit in. Desperate to know what religion I am meant to be at one point I even took an on-line test and my results indicated that I should be Quaker..... I dont know about that one.
I have beliefs and a huge spirituality but if told to go to church I would simply be wandering around aimlessly.
Much to the amusment and annoyance of my family I enjoy watching Joyce Meyer on tv. I couldnt tell you what religion she ministries to but she seems so normal to me, often complaining or joking about misunderstandings with her husband and even on occasion letting a swear slip accidently.
Its there, the foundation for belief but it needs to be nurtured and developed or maybe it will be an abstract internal feeling for the rest of my life leaving me with no ability to outwardly be a part of any religious group.
Despite my inner beliefs or outward longing I dont think that I could ever trust God enough to be in total control of my childs life when I know that there are real world solutions, or at the very least treatments.
I don't know if having such intense belief is brave or stupid but whatever it is I know that I don't have those characteristics and I dont know if the feelings that I have for those who do are envious or pitying but to each their own.