Seeking Greatness Outside & In

I kept my fingers crossed and had others do the same but unfortunately I did not get the financing for the second floor addition for the house. I could be frustrated and disappointed but I'm not, its a bit of a hiccup in my master plan but thats ok (I am used to hiccups) so I will simply have to try again next year.
The one thing that I have noticed lately is that I seem to have stumbled upon myself, that quest that I've had for years to "find me" seems to have disappeared. I no longer seem to thirst for the answers to the who am I, what am I all about, what do I have to offer to the world questions that have flooded my mind for years.
Over the last five months I have reevaluated every aspect of my life. I discovered that similar to Nicks lymphoma there were areas of my life that were as distructive as cancer and needed to be treated just as swiftly.
I have my weak moments but over all I feel strong, capable, and able to handle anything that comes my way, which often seems to be more bad news.
I feel as though my inner self is whole - that aching hole thats been buried deep has somehow been filled.... although I don't know how.
I no longer seem to be overwhelmed by my agenda or constantly ringing cell phone and while there are many appointments required for all of my boys, I seem to fit all of the pieces in place like a giant puzzle.
Nick still has months of active treatment and follow up aftercare, Kurt still has lots of issues surrounding his autism, In addition to Riddick's global delay he has now developed Nystagmus on top of his Strabismus and so his eye sight has further diminished. We are eight months into the wait for Maxwell's tympanostomy tube surgery and we've now discovered that he also has a lactose sensitivity 
Even with all of the chaos and craziness the inside of me seems to be on the mend and so I think its time to work on the outside.
Its time to eat healthy, lose some weight, find some style and have my outside match my inside.
In four short months I am going to be 30 which is the age that I have always associated with the non-nogiatable start of adulthood, no longer being in your 20's leaves no room for the youth excuse.
Life seems to be determining my path, Treasure Beyond Measure Photography is off to a good start and my foot is anchored steadily into the cancer community.While my children require more then most I feel totally capable of meeting the omnipresent demands that are a part of being their mom.
Its now time to stop dreading and dreaming and start DOING and I figure if I am going to be doing great things in my life and the lives of my boys then I want to look great doing it!

Renovations For Uniqueness

I've said it many times but my family is a unique bunch and while I do my best to plan accordingly certain things change the plans that I have made.
We bought our home 4 years ago based solely on its location, its around the corner from my parents in a desirable part of the city and its close to the boys developmental pediatrician and autism services.
When we moved in we didnt expect our family to grow based on all of our previous failures, we also didnt expect our son to get cancer. The home at the time fit us with 3+1 bedrooms but now we are busting at the seams.
Kurt and Riddick can no longer share a room, they have a difficult enough time transitioning at bedtime even when they are alone but together its impossible... its either world war 3 or party time in their room each night and 99% of the time someone ends up being sent to the couch by a tired and cranky mom.
Nick had to move up from the basement to the main floor to get away from the draft, dust and to be within ear shot should he need something. He moved into Maxwell's room and now Dom and I have a toddler for a roommate. He still has 9 weeks of treatment and six months with a compromised immune system so he couldn't move back to his old room anytime soon even if he wanted to. With the risk of relapse I would also rather him be in a different room so that he wont have to move again if (God Forbid) the cancer should return.
We discussed the fact that Kurt and Riddick will potentially live at home their entire lives, Nick needs a room above ground and Maxwell will be home for years as he's only just become a toddler - there is no choice we must do some renovations.
I'm now attempting to make some financial plans in an effort to add a second addition to our home, it wont be easy, it will be chaotic and crazy and I am sure that many times I will question my sanity but in the end when my family is in a safe, comfortable, stable home that is built to suit all of our unique needs it will make all of the insanity worth it.
Keep your fingers crossed that I can pull this off.... I've dealt with a lot of stuff but this is gonna be tricky!

One Busy Mama

Boy have I been busy lately!
In addition to Nick's daily radiation and weekly oncology appointments at two different hospitals, we also had a bit of a chicken pox scare that landed him in the ER in the middle of the night. It thankfully wasn't chicken pox or else he would have needed to be admitted and quarantined and put on antiviral medication. I was having a bit of a panic attack because we then would have had to cancel Maxwell's 2nd birthday celebration and I didnt have any time to arrange child care.
The following morning after the ER I woke up feeling horrible, at first I thought that it was kidney stones again and then I thought the flu but in all reality I think that I was just burnt out because after 18 hours of sleeping my fever broke and I felt much better. It was an awakening for me, I need to take care of myself because that day I was totally useless and looking back now completely delirious too because I don't remember much of that day at all.
Since my mystery illness I have been encouraging the boys to be more self reliant and have been reprimanding them more consistently when they act up. Now is the time to make the improvements that need to be made to not only allow me to keep my sanity but also to allow us to function easier as a family unit. We are a unique bunch and it takes some creativity, comittment and resilance to keep us operaing like a finely oiled machine and over the last few months I've let a lot of things slide and its time to get back on track.
I also did something that I have never done in my entire life.... I have booked a relaxation massage for later this week.
I have also been working very hard on my new business Treasure Beyond Measure Photography and I've been asked to collaborate with POGO (Pediatric Oncology Group of Ontario) and provide them with my thoughts about how pediatric cancer care has/hasn't changed over the last five years and offer my suggestions about areas that need improvement.
Nick is now on his three week radiation break before moving on to the second phase, we were told that of the three phases this would be the one most likely to make him sick because it will be radiating his internal organs. We are hopeful that with some preventative measures and medication it shouldn't be too bad.
His hair is starting to grow back and he is now sporting a little mustache - although he hasnt gained anymore weight he is holding onto the eight pounds that returned while doing the high calorie diet and appetite increasing medication.
They may be baby steps but they are steps in the right direction and for that I am happy!