Wednesday, 6 July 2011
The Choice To Adjust
Today I again revisited my motto, The pessimist complains about the wind, the optimist expects it to change, the realist adjusts the sails. Things never seem to go according to plan and today was no different, it was Nick's radiation consultation and it was less then easy to say the least. We were initially told that if Nick needed radiation it would take 2 weeks, however that was incorrect. It is actually 14 business days for his chest, 14 business days for his abdomen and 14 business days for his pelvic area with a 2 week break in between - for a grand total of 14 weeks IF Nick's levels dont drop and he doesnt get any viruses.
Here we were prepared to be done treatment in two weeks and now it looks like he wont be done until October. His treatment length has pretty much doubled and I have been made into an unintentional liar. Nick isn't almost done, he doesn't only have a little bit longer and my frequent words of reassurance were empty lies which have left me feeling like an unequipped mother.
For the last few weeks things have been very hard for Nick and tears have come often, he is tired, emotionally drained and physically sore; I have frequently heard him say that he is ready for all of this to be done and he doesnt even care about the outcome.
Today was the straw that broke the camels back. During a break between appointments Nick took off from the hospital, standing right outside the doors that I carried him out as a newborn 15 years ago we today spoke of the possibility of him dying if he refuses radiation. I never in my wildest dreams envisioned having a conversation with my child about his possible death should he decide not to continue being poked and prodded like a lab rat. He agreed to go back in but the tough front was short lived, once fitted with his immobility mask and locked onto the CT table for "planning" he became claustrophobic and began to have a panic attack. I was called in to comfort him and months of anxiety, fear and emotions came flowing out. In front of about 10 people I held my son and reassured him that he could do this, that I know his strength and that I would stay with him until the end. I asked if he trusted me and with a quiet nod yes he laid back down on the table. It was against regulations but I stayed in the room and with an amazing amount of bravery Nick completed the planning scans and got his marker tattoo's.
Our days will now consist of daily trips to one hospital for radiation and then to a second hospital on a weekly basis for finger poke and level checks - if I thought that cancer consumed our days before I havent seen anything yet.
I hate watching my son suffer and hurt, its horrible to not be able to do a damn thing to ease his worry or pain.
For the last month I have been working on a surprise. I have planned a big party for the 26th of August to celebrate the end of Nick's treatment which we believed would have been this month. The banquet hall has been booked, the menu planned, the invites for 100+ people made and the centerpieces discussed with the designer.... It was like a kick to the gut but tonight I called and cancelled the event.
I dont recognize my life, I dont recognize my son and things are falling apart all around me; I've gained ten pounds and dont seem to be able to get a handle on the poor food choices and emotional eating and I've had to reschedule Maxwell's 18 month vaccinations four times now... the boy is 23 months old!
I need to get a handle on things, to reassert some control, to find some sort of normalicy again - maybe when I do that I will be better equipt to deal with the drama, emotions and chaos that most days bring.
The only thing that I can control through out all of this is me, my emotions, my behavior and my choices.
I am not a pessimist and wont complain about the wind nor am I an optimist and wont expect the wind to change.... Ever the realist, I am left with no choice and there is only one option.... let the adjustment begin.