On To The Next

After four negative tests to double check the weird maybe positive ones that I had gotten I went to the fertility clinic for an early beta which came back not surprisingly at 0 - failure again, I wish that I could say that I was surprised.
While there we sat down and had a WTF conversation that pretty much everyone has after a failed cycle... What The Fuck happened and what should we do next.
We still have two frozen embryos that we are going to use right away and then we have decided that if that cycle also fails we will do another fresh IVF cycle with PGS.
I am conflicted about my thoughts on this but I have given it a lot of consideration.
In the end there are 3 possible outcomes

1. We transfer genetically sound embryos and become pregnant

2. We discover that all of our embryos are genetically compromised and I have an answer for all of my failures which I think is a huge part of my issue with moving on from treatments.

3. We transfer genetically sound embryos and I still don't get pregnant at which point I must walk away knowing that I did everything within my power to become pregnant and it just wasn't meant to be.

In my opinion any of those three possibilities are worth the $15,000  that this will cost. Of course its my hope that my last two embryos work and we don't need to move on to another fresh cycle but I feel much more relaxed and at peace simply having a back up plan.

Now I am just waiting to call in "day 1" so that I can start the process for the next frozen transfer.
I literally have all my eggs in one basket.... no pressure ;) 

What is pre-implantation genetic screening (PGS)?

PGS (also known as aneuploidy screening) involves checking the chromosomes of embryos conceived by IVF or ICSI for common abnormalities. Chromosomal abnormalities are a major cause of the failure of embryos to implant, and of miscarriages.

Well That's Confusing

Its 6am and I stumble to the bathroom half asleep, collect my FMU for today's test and decide that since my FRER supply is running low I will just test with a cheapie that I ordered in bulk from the internet. Wait the allotted time and take a look.... blink and look again.... is that a faint second line???? Better test again to be sure...... again there's what looks like a second line - a "squinter" as its known in the TTC community.
Well this must be confirmed before I get excited and so I rip open a FRER and get to testing.... only one single line - WTF

Thinking that the cheapie tests must be dreaded evaporation lines I dig yesterdays tests out of the garbage only to find that there is no sign of any evap lines on them. Now I am even more confused. While technically the cheapie tests claim to detect a smaller level of HCG (10miu) and the FRER claims to detect 25miu everyone knows that the FRER actually detects around 7miu so in reality it should have become positive before the cheapie test.
Now today I have two options..... linger in the confusion and have a serious discussion with my uterus about tomorrows test or try and hold my pee for 8 hours to collect a similar sample from this morning. Having just finished this mornings coffee something tells me that my bladder will make the final decision.

I Can Feel The Hope Fading

Its inevitable, there's always that one day during the cycle where the emotions get the best of you and the hopeful sparkle starts to dull. That day hit me full steam this morning. I fully expected to wake up and be met with two beautiful lines on a pregnancy test and it didn't happen.
While I am not totally out of the game yet, at 8dp3dt I would expect to see something faint on the gold standard of tests. To be honest right now I am just in the mindset of making it through the day so that I am one day closer to this being over.... so that we can start all over next month with our last two embryos.

The POAS party has started

Yep you read that right the POAS (pee on a stick) party has started so join me as the insanity grows daily.
This is the time of cycling when the mind becomes a monster and the hormones and hopes/fears take over all rational thoughts.
This cycle I have decided to use FRER tests (first response early result).... you know the ones, they claim that they can detect a pregnancy 5-6 days before a missed period. While there are claims of women getting positive results very early many (I'd even dare to say the majority) do not.

My initial intention wasn't to test until I was 8dp3dt (8 days past my 3 day transfer) which would be the equivalent of 11 days past ovulation however as I've said before I lack all willpower and I started testing yesterday at day 6.
Both yesterdays day 6 and today's day 7 tests looked negative to me which was slightly disappointing but not unexpected. I am still hopeful and am keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrows test shows that much sought after second line.

 6dp3dt

7dp3dt

My Dearest Valentine.....

Most valentines we celebrate the same way, with a quickly wished happy valentines and maybe a card, nothing to fancy to celebrate an extremely commercialized holiday. This year we had the opportunity to do something different and decided that it would be fun. We went to a legion hall in a neighbouring small town and had dinner and participated in a version of "the newlywed game". You know the game, husbands and wives are asked questions and try to match their answers. After 15 years together I thought that it would be fun to see how much we really knew about each other, especially since it frequently has felt over the years like we are just two ships passing in the night.
Dinner was great.... roast, veggies, salad and dessert then it was time for the game to begin. Seated along with three other couples we discovered during the introductions that we are the "old couple" the couple with the longest marriage and the only couple with kids (although two contestants were pregnant).
Armed with a pad of paper and a sharpie marker we did our best. By the end of round one we were losing.... 6 measly points. Clearly we need to spend more time discussing our secret wishes of super powers and which animals we would like to become if given the option. For the record never have I wanted to be a tiger.... ever. We were doomed. Then something happened, the questions turned more serious what would your spouse say is your favourite memory, where was your first kiss, then the questions got MORE personal oddest place you've had sex, how do you know when your spouse is in the mood. Holy crap, they were getting embarrassing to answer with my parents in the audience.
At the end of the game we were tied for first place.... after the tie breaker we came in second but now should the question which of your friends would your husband have sex with ever get asked I'll be ready LOL

The night was great, I realized that we really did know each other much better than we thought and we won a gift certificate for dinner out - win win.
The following morning we dropped the kids off at Nanna's house and headed to the clinic for our embryo transfer (closest thing to getting knocked up on Valentines Day that I'll ever get). I had brought all of the good luck things that Dom had found leading up to our appointment and I just felt like I was in a good head space, cautiously optimistic and maybe even a wee bit hopeful. With legs in stirrups the lab tech came in to verify our info and let us know that our embryos were compacting morulas consistent with day four embryos which is awesome because we were only technically day 3. Never in all of our cycles have I had a compacting morula, my slow to grow "duds" were actually champs in disguise. Doctor described the cycle as couldn't ask for better. Home I went to take it easy and was happy to discover Cheaper By The Dozen on TV.... if you've read my blog then you'd know that this is a movie that has shaped the type of family that I wanted to create. The following day I went to bed and was met with The Blind Side which was the correct answer that Dom gave when asked Whats your wife's favourite movie.
Today I am 3dp4dt (3 days past a 4 day transfer OR 7 days past ovulation) - the time is going by both fast and slow. I am fluctuating between hopeful and pessimistic but I think that's pretty realistic and to be expected.  Next week I'll start testing in hopes of seeing two lines.... fingers crossed.