Thirty Three Thoughts

With my birthday two days away I thought that I would pass along some of the insights and words of wisdom that I have learned in my (almost) 33 years on this earth.
Here goes...

1. Silly string is fun no matter how old you are but be sure to get it out of your hair as quickly as you can, its a real bitch to pick out once it dries.

2. Always tip well, especially if its a place you think you'll visit frequently. Nobody wants to be the regular that tips like shit.

3. Maintain your eyebrows, its hard to keep eye contact if there are distracting brows stealing the focus.

4. Don't be the weirdo that checks themselves out in the gym mirror..... seriously don't, its creepy.

5. Smile at strangers, pay a compliment. Your nice words could be the nicest thing they have heard in a long time. Take a minute and think about that..... for the rest of their lives the memory of you will make a stranger smile.

6. Practice random acts of kindness daily, small or big, every act is appreciated

7. No matter how much you appreciate your own grass, sometimes the grass just looks greener in someone else's yard. Its normal and ok but before you get to caught up in trying to make your lawn look like theirs think for a moment about how much shit they may use for fertiliser. 

8. Food trucks often have the yummiest items.

9. They say that marriage is 50/50 but it's a lie, marriage is 100/100 and only putting in 50% of the effort just isn't enough.

10. Tattoos are indeed addictive

11. Family doesn't have to be blood, it doesn't have to look like everyone else's. Families can fight and be angry with each other, what differentiates family from friends is that family gets over it.

12. Whenever waitstaff asks if you want cheese or bacon say yes..... why the hell not?!

13. Jealousy is like salt, a little bit can enhance the food but too much ruins the whole thing.

14. Not everyone is going to like you and that's ok. Don't try to impress them or persuade them.

15. Insecurity is an ugly trait. There is nothing that makes a person more appealing than confidence (but don't become a douche)

16. You can look great at any size if you dress for your body shape.

17. Not everyone will agree with your life choices, the people that matter will support you regardless.

18. Its normal to have quirks, kinks and things about yourself that are "weird" - that's what makes people interesting.

19. Don't be passive aggressive its just annoying. If you have something to say just say it.

20. Do your best. Your only competition is you.

21. If you don't like something change it, yep its that simple because what you allow is what will continue.

22. There is a freedom in being silly (I'm still working on this one)

23. Dancing when nobody is watching is a must, that's when the best moves are practiced

24. Everybody sings in the car.... everybody

25. Don't talk on your cell phone while waiting in line, its rude and nobody wants to hear your conversation

26. Don't be transparent, keep little pieces of yourself secret and be selective about who gets to see them.

27. Every now and then be brave, do something totally outside of your comfort zone. You may hate it but the experience will give you a rush

28. The scale is the devil, the body can look very different while weighing the same thing depending on body composition.

29. Its ok to throw yourself a pity party every now and again but don't linger there. Don't be the person who brings everyone else down. Besides, there are people in life who's problems are way worse than yours. One last tip on pity party attitudes... the FML status on social media creates an immediate eye roll for all those who read it.

30. Have special sayings with those you love, code words and inside jokes..... that's how you secure your relationship with your people.

31. Getting into a neat and tidy bed at the end of the day can sometimes feel like the most relaxing thing on the planet.

32. Failure is part of life, it sucks in the moment but it can serve as a life lesson.

33. Caffeine and orgasms are the best treatment for headaches.

There you have it, 33 of my most useful facts. Take them or leave them or better yet comment and share your insights.
 

Cringle McJingle the elf on the shelf

I think that by now most people with children are familiar with the elf on the shelf which is quickly becoming a popular Christmas tradition, if you aren't familiar with this trend let me take a minute to give you a quick education.
The elf on the shelf is from the north pole and he is sent from Santa himself to help manage the nice & naughty list. When your elf arrives you must give him a name, its then that he receives his magic. As still as a statue he watches all day then once the kiddos are asleep he flies back to Santa's workshop to give the Big Guy a run down of the behaviours of the day. When the kids awake in the morning the elf has returned and is ready to watch them again. Each day he is in a different place often times doing an activity. He must NEVER be touched, his would be tragic, his magic will be lost and he will then return to the north pole forever.

This is our first year with an elf on the shelf, Cringle McJingle won the name debate (Sugar Cookiebottom was a close contender).
I gave much thought to whether to start this tradition, its a lot of work. I now must outlast the kids at bedtime and very stealth like move this elf around the house being ever so careful not to get caught, it also requires being creative and tapping into my silly side (which I tend to keep buried deep).
Its fun and its made getting up and ready for school go smoother because the kids cant go looking for Mr. McJingle until they are ready.
While the holidays are a fantastic time for most children, for the adults it can be a time of stress, frustration and sadness. Money gets tight, distance from family and friends is felt and the stress tends to lead to bickering and arguments with the ones we hold close. While Christmas is magical it can also be an emotionally draining season. I will gladly take every available opportunity to keep the month lighthearted, to be able to see my kids smile and laugh each morning and know that I secretly caused it, to see my husband watch my nightly missions and just shake his head at my unusually juvenile attitude... its worth it, its totally worth it. 

To learn more about the Elf On The Shelf click HERE

Well Hello There

Its been quite a while since I last blogged, months actually.
Its now a new season, I woke to the world being snow covered and sparkly and my life is good. I kept my promise to myself that I would keep the "new" me around and while my every morning may not be filled with inner peace and happiness it is filled with lots and lots of coffee perfectly brewed and handed to me by my loving husband.
Why is he home every morning you ask? well because part of me being happy is him being happy and that meant transferring to a new position at work. This position came with more difficult hours when raising a family and less money but it provided less anxiety and stress so the trade off seemed worth it. Now I have my own personal tattooed barista so I'm not complaining. 
We have also welcomed a seven year old boy into our family, whether his stay will be temporary or permanent only time will tell. What this means is that I now spend my days raising five young men - explains my love of coffee right?!
I make an effort to eat decently, exercise frequently and sleep whenever possible, I figured at the very least I owe myself that much. I needed a foundation to build from and the heart and mind wont be happy if the body is falling apart.
Well that's all for now but I promise that I wont be scarce - chat soon.

Stay Caffeinated; 
Cassandra

Not Your Typical Morning

I've been struggling with this post, whether to write it or not.... whether its over sharing or whether it may be helpful if someone is in a similar boat. I didn't have the words, I still don't know if I do but my therapist encourages writing as method of purging our thoughts and feelings so we have room for new ones (blah blah blah)
Realistically the last few posts have been about the inner workings of my lady parts so I guess in comparison this isn't really all that private.
Life can be messy and complicated and stressful and everyone has their own ways of coping. Most people find a way to deal with situations when they arise and when they are over life is back to normal but what happens when those stressful situations are the normal?
Welcome to my world, My coping method has always been to just pull up my big girl panties and carry on,  Do whats expected, meet and exceed everything, prove everyone wrong.... just do it, Don't ruffle feathers unless its absolutely required, keep your drama to yourself and don't burden others with your pesky expectations or emotions.
Parents ugly divorce, living low income, teenage pregnancy, raising a son while still raising myself, miscarriage, postpartum depression, infertility, marital strife, adoptions, cancer, autism, children with medical needs, death and than the day to day stresses that just come with life - I just coasted. I put one foot in front of the other and those situations became my world and I expected that to always be my method.
Then one morning a few weeks ago something happened, I woke up and realized that while things were the same they were different. That when life goes from constant chaos to semi calm its surreal and it comes with time to reflect. I was able to see that there are aspects of myself and my life that I simply don't like, I haven't liked them for a long time but I've never wanted to rock the boat and so I just sailed along despite my thoughts and feelings. That morning was different, I was different, somehow changed over night and determined not to go back to my old way of being in the world.
I said what needed to be said to people and I made my expectations clear, I wasn't happy with my body or my health and so I committed to change. I realized that I was burdening my children by coddling them and so I delivered responsibilities and consequences. That morning it was clear to me that the world I'd created for myself wasn't even one that I liked and what was worse was I really didn't (and still don't) know what my ideal world even looks like. What I do know is that I will never get to it if I continue to be the way that I was. Change is hard, while I am excited about the possibilities of my future I can see that those around me are uncomfortable. I can see that they would rather things go back to "normal" and while I love them, I just cant let that happen. Eventually with time the new me will be "normal" and they will adjust and maybe just maybe there wont be any more eye opening and life altering mornings, there will only be mornings filled with inner peace, happiness and coffee.... lots and lots of coffee. 

CBC News - The IVF vs BMI Debate

Today I got to participate in a radio interview about my thoughts on whether IVF should be denied to women based on their BMI.
I was nervous but I think that its a topic that needs some discussion and if I can be a part of that chat than I am going to put myself out there no matter the nerves that I may have felt and the opinions of others that I would hear and read that differed from my own.
IVF has been something that has consumed my entire adult life and so its a topic that has my attention and passion.
Infertility comes with its own weight challenges, medication causes weight gain, its hard to be motivated when you are sad and feeling like a failure and it just may be that you have a condition that causes some extra weight (such as PCOS). Regardless of the reason I think that weight is only a small portion of the whole conversation that needs to be had, the discussion needs to be about so much more.... Do you smoke, drink, make good lifestyle choices, how are your hormones and blood pressure and mental health, are you diabetic or do you have some other disease/disorder/ailment that would be problematic to pregnancy and parenting?  Encouraging a healthy lifestyle is always a good idea but denying the right to try and become a mother until an outdated math equation creates a "healthy" number despite all other aspects being favourable is not what I would consider putting the patient first.

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/may-12-2014-1.2908150/should-doctors-allow-obese-women-to-have-ivf-1.2908155

Hope and Reality

Yesterday I was feeling pretty low, the feeling that your body is inexplicably broken is not a fun one.
This cycle I did everything right, I was healthier then I'd previously been, my hormones were all good, my lining was stellar, I had done some autoimmune treatments and my embryos were good quality. There is NO reason for them to implant yet by all accounts they hadn't.
I was feeling bitter and angry but checking the mail changed that. A few years ago my cousin was wanting to start her family and it didn't come as easy as it should. Understanding the initial hope and despair that comes with that new aspect of her life I wanted to do something. I sent her a crystal baby pacifier for good luck and thankfully she was able to go on and quickly have two beautiful girls.
I got that pacifier back yesterday along with a note saying that I should hold on to it for a while and hopefully it will bring me luck too.
The tears started and all my previous stoic ability was lost. It was then that I heard from a nurse friend, she asked me if I'd ever used an hpt with whole blood instead of urine.
I thought she was crazy but decided what the hell I'd give it a shot.
Once home I googled and apparently this is now commonly done in emergency rooms and medical studies support the claims that its accurate.... ok good to know.
Image my surprise when I poke my finger and get a positive result. Got to be a fluke..... two more tests both positive. I went to bed last night slightly hopeful but this mornings still negative urine test made me skeptical again. Whether this blood on hpt method works or not I don't know but I do that for the moment it raised my spirits with its possibility.
Unfortunately my blood work was negative.... beta hcg of 0.5
So now I start over, I start saving money again and I start collecting my optimism for the next round.
Whenever that may be. 

9dp3dt - FRER Results

Pregnancy tests are a complicated thing, who would have guessed that a piece of plastic that you pee on could be so stressful.
Pregnancy tests measure a hormone called HCG and different tests measure different levels of that hormone.
With Maxwell I used cheap internet tests that pick up levels of 25. I got an almost invisible line at 8dpt, then at 9dpt it was super light but there then at 10dpt I got my blood work done to confirm the test and the level was 124 if memory serves me correctly.
This cycle am using a type of test called First Response Early Result (or FRER in the infertility world). This test is one of the most sensitive brands and has been known to detect the hormone at 6mlu or less.
Today I am 9 days past transfer and my test was negative, while I suppose there is the "late implanter" theory I am fairly certain that it just didn't work (again).
I wish I was surprised but I'm truthfully not. I tried very hard to be hopeful do the whole positive thinking thing but it wasn't helpful apparently.
Its not over until my beta test (blood work) on Tuesday but I wont hold my breath for a different outcome.