Almost Success

Another cycle has wrapped up and I have to admit that this has been my roughest one yet.
I was scheduled to go into my clinic 10 days after my transfer for my beta but by day 9 I was out of medication and truthfully I was just over it. I had been testing negative on the First Response tests and I was sure that it was over so I popped into the clinic a day early, while I was there I had them run my AMH which is the test to determine your egg supply.  This would be good information to have moving forward since at 33 I am now much older than 18 when I started this journey.
Later that day I got a phone call from the nurse, my beta had come back at 3 - technically negative because it was under 5 but because I have never had a beta over 0 (with the exception of my pregnancy with Maxwell) they wanted me to continue on the medication and return for another beta on Monday (day 13 past transfer). It was a long shot, it would be a true miracle if something came from that beta number but I decided to follow their instructions. Imagine my surprise when the following day I started to get a faint positive on the tests at home. By Saturday night I was getting a second line that was visible to even a non-POAS experts eyes.
Then it happened, I let myself believe it, I let myself believe that I was newly pregnant, I calculated my due date - December 27th, I debated about whether I wanted to find out the gender, I bought into the possibility that this could be our miracle.
Sunday morning my test looked lighter, I didn't panic, I thought that maybe I'd drank too much before bed but by Sunday night the second line was almost gone and I broke.
I sat in a bubble bath and cried until my body ached, this was new.... I never cry with failures anymore. I dried off and went to bed.... cried myself to sleep.
I woke up and tested again to prepare for the beta, stark white no sign of a line.
Puffy faced and red eyed I went to the clinic and got my blood drawn, talked to the nurse about the positive lines and that while I was sad I was also hopeful because it clearly showed that this new treatment had indeed worked. While I wouldn't be taking home a baby I perhaps now have the key for the next cycle and now I didn't think that PGD testing would be needed. My only hope now is that the blood work was elevated enough to confirm the "success" to the doctor since he was pretty reluctant to do it in the first place. I would save my pennies and plan for IVF #5 that's when the nurse gave me the news, my AMH results had come in and I now have low ovarian reserve, basically I am running out of eggs. When this is the case time isn't a friend and the clock seems to be running on fast forward. Do I even have a year to save without costing myself the loss of the eggs that I still have?
Hours later I get "the" call from the clinic, my beta came back at 3, it had dropped back to where it had started and all we now have to show the doctor is the pictures of the positive test. Will he agree to do the therapy again? Will he refuse and cause me to switch clinics? Will I decide that enough is enough and walk away? I don't know.... what I do know is that failure hurts less than almost success but there is no sense in wallowing in the pain. Time to dust myself off and move forward.

Lucky Day In A Busy Week

This week has been a busy one so far, my body decided to somehow skip a week in my cycle and I ended up having my embryo transfer done on day 9 which is the earliest that I have ever been ready for transfer. The day was hopefully filled with good luck because it was also my oldest son's 19th birthday - HOLY COW he is now NINETEEN!!!!
That blows my mind, blink and they grow and I am not at all prepared for it.
I am now 2dp3dt (2 days past a 3 day transfer) I have done everything that I can to improve my odds. This cycle I have done a uterine biopsy, steroids, blood thinners, intralipid infusion, neupogen injection, metformin and assisted hatching. My RE said the only thing left to add is prayer. I am trying to focus on the fact that I have given these little balls of cells the best possible environment that I can for them to nestle in and happily grow. There really is nothing more that I could have done. I wont lie the negative thoughts do creep in, I do find myself thinking about the fact that I don't have anymore embryos frozen and if this fails it will be another year of saving and waiting only to go through it all again with possibly the same results. When those thoughts sneak in I remind myself that its only 365 days, it will give me time to return to a more stable fitness/health routine, to maybe take a weekend away, to do some fireside socializing and catch my breath from a year that has been wonderful but certainly with unplanned aspects (like becoming the parent of a 7 year old on the severe end of the autism spectrum).
I am a realistic thinker but I do always seek out the silver lining. Just to be on the safe side though I think that I will pray that I wont need a silver lining this time.

Back In The Saddle

Last month I started prepping for the transfer of my last two frozen embryos.
I again cut out caffeine and have tried to get more rest, since I had recently done a D&C my doctor and I decided to do a biopsy instead as its less invasive.
This time around I also did something called intralipid infusion. Intralipid infusion therapy is a treatment, which is administered through an IV drip made from soya bean oil, egg yolk, glycerin and water. Intralipid Infusion therapy provides the body with essential fatty acids that help to lower the activity of Natural Killer (NK) cells. Natural Killer (NK) cells in women can cause the body to react abnormally to an implanting embryo, treating it as an invading cell and signaling for the body to attack it.
I had brought this up to my doctor before however he is an old school type of guy who likes to stay nicely within his tried and true comfort zone and therefore he wasn't very open to the concept.
Recently he began having another doctor working with him on Mondays and I just happened to end up in the clinic with her. We chatted about my history and with her fresh eyes on my file she suggested Intralipids. My old school doc reluctantly agreed and gave me the go ahead. I will be the first patient of his to have this treatment. While my hope obviously is that it works and I get pregnant I am also a little bit hopeful that if he sees it being successful for me after so many failures then he will be more open to the possibilities of treatments that sit outside his comfort zone and other patients who have repeat implantation failure may benefit. 
Today was my infusion and it was long but a piece of cake, I brought my IV bag of intralipid to the larger clinic where my embryos are stored and paid them $300 to fill my veins with what looked like bright white milk.
Seated in a recliner with a hot pack, blanket and can of ginger ale I got comfy and watched Netflix on my Ipad for four hours until my infusion was complete. I felt a bit nauseous but I think that was from skipping breakfast. 
I'll be back to my clinic in two days for blood work and lining check. The party has officially started.