Hope and Reality

Yesterday I was feeling pretty low, the feeling that your body is inexplicably broken is not a fun one.
This cycle I did everything right, I was healthier then I'd previously been, my hormones were all good, my lining was stellar, I had done some autoimmune treatments and my embryos were good quality. There is NO reason for them to implant yet by all accounts they hadn't.
I was feeling bitter and angry but checking the mail changed that. A few years ago my cousin was wanting to start her family and it didn't come as easy as it should. Understanding the initial hope and despair that comes with that new aspect of her life I wanted to do something. I sent her a crystal baby pacifier for good luck and thankfully she was able to go on and quickly have two beautiful girls.
I got that pacifier back yesterday along with a note saying that I should hold on to it for a while and hopefully it will bring me luck too.
The tears started and all my previous stoic ability was lost. It was then that I heard from a nurse friend, she asked me if I'd ever used an hpt with whole blood instead of urine.
I thought she was crazy but decided what the hell I'd give it a shot.
Once home I googled and apparently this is now commonly done in emergency rooms and medical studies support the claims that its accurate.... ok good to know.
Image my surprise when I poke my finger and get a positive result. Got to be a fluke..... two more tests both positive. I went to bed last night slightly hopeful but this mornings still negative urine test made me skeptical again. Whether this blood on hpt method works or not I don't know but I do that for the moment it raised my spirits with its possibility.
Unfortunately my blood work was negative.... beta hcg of 0.5
So now I start over, I start saving money again and I start collecting my optimism for the next round.
Whenever that may be. 

9dp3dt - FRER Results

Pregnancy tests are a complicated thing, who would have guessed that a piece of plastic that you pee on could be so stressful.
Pregnancy tests measure a hormone called HCG and different tests measure different levels of that hormone.
With Maxwell I used cheap internet tests that pick up levels of 25. I got an almost invisible line at 8dpt, then at 9dpt it was super light but there then at 10dpt I got my blood work done to confirm the test and the level was 124 if memory serves me correctly.
This cycle am using a type of test called First Response Early Result (or FRER in the infertility world). This test is one of the most sensitive brands and has been known to detect the hormone at 6mlu or less.
Today I am 9 days past transfer and my test was negative, while I suppose there is the "late implanter" theory I am fairly certain that it just didn't work (again).
I wish I was surprised but I'm truthfully not. I tried very hard to be hopeful do the whole positive thinking thing but it wasn't helpful apparently.
Its not over until my beta test (blood work) on Tuesday but I wont hold my breath for a different outcome.

Lets Limbo!

Today I am 6dp3dt which is the equivalent of 9 days past ovulation and if we want to go by statistics then today is the most common date of implantation.
I don't know if that is true or not but I am certainly not feeling so hot today. I have cramps and a backache and in truth it feels like PMS. I cant really give too much thought to the symptoms though because the medication mimics both PMS and pregnancy.
Now is the time when I can realistically start testing although I may not see a positive result for days (if at all).
For me emotionally this is the time when I start to get a little emotionally out of sorts. One second I am hopeful and then next I am convinced that its a bust, one moment I am gushing over baby clothes in the store and the next I am thinking about how to quickly save money for the next cycle.
Google becomes a best friend and enemy at the same time and if someone checked the computer history then they would find lots of searches for implantation, hpt sensitivity and many more mind numbing yet time killing topics. 
Only five more days to go until the blood test.... once way or another this part of the limbo will be done then.