Its now 2012 and the plans that I made in 2011 have been reconfigured, adjusted and perhaps put on the back burner till who knows when.
After Dom and I had Maxwell we decided that we wanted more children....
we would be the Brad and Angelina of the ordinary world.
Our attempt resulted in a chemical pregnancy but although sad we decided that it was only a stepping stone to the baby that we are meant to have and so plans were made to try again. We lived frugally and saved money but when we were ready to start the ivf process again Nick was diagnosed with cancer. The saved money was spent on more important things and I debated about whether having more children was a smart idea. As the months went on I came to the decision that changing our plans was like letting cancer win and that having more children did not make me a bad mother to Nick because of his cancer or to Kurt or Riddick because of their developmental needs or to Maxwell as the baby of the family. As we got to the point of being ready to begin the process, this time around Maxwell got sick. My soul took another knock and I again questioned my plans for the future. Clearly this has to be a sign right? That every time we decide to try and conceive again something happens, or is it a sign that I should keep going because clearly my desire remains consistent no matter the speed bumps that we encounter.
Am I foolish or determined - I just don't know.
So now here I am with a fridge full of pharmaceuticals intended to help me get pregnant and yet I am hesitant. That notion gives me pause to think - If I'm not ready then I am not going forward (a new and unusual concept for me as I am never wishy washy about anything).
This year will focus on getting things on track, creating a happy and healthy family. A warm, welcoming and safe home and a stable and fit me (both inside and out) and if need be some genetic testing to provide peace of mind for the future.
Right now we are planning the renovation for our home and I am learning how to live a healthy lifestyle for reasons other then just because my fertility doctor told me to or because there is an outfit that would look better if I were a bit less curvy. We are focusing on closing the distance that years of stress and strain place on a marriage and we are ensuring that all of our ducks are in a row where our children's needs are concerned.
Being a mother doesn't come with an expiry date and when the time comes that I am ready again, if my body has decided that it isn't capable and it was only a one shot deal then my heart isn't opposed to adopting again (although I will approach it MUCH more cautiously).
I am learning that life isn't about what I want when I want it and that sometimes the plans that I created as a child need to be changed now that I'm an adult. The life that I played out with my barbies perhaps isn't the life that God has in mind for me and I need to be willing to take a breath, reflect on my current blessings and be still for a moment.
2012 is the year for better things, the year for happy things, its the year that will usher in all of the future years which are destined to bring nothing but greatness. Any tears that will be shed from this point on will be tears of joy.... this I am sure of.
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