Up to a point a man's life is shaped by environment, heredity, and movements and changes in the world about him. Then there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be. Only the weak blame parents, their race, their times, lack of good fortune, or the quirks of fate. Everyone has it within his power to say, "This I am today; that I will be tomorrow." ~Louis L'Amour
I have always found my identity in what I am or who I am to others; I am Donna's daughter, Dom's wife, the mom of Nick, Kurt, Riddick and Max, I am an ivf vet, an adoptive mom, a sister, neice, friend .... and the list goes on and on. The one identity that is missing is Cassandra.
I will be completely honest, I have no idea about myself on a personal level.
I have no idea what my passion is or what I want out of my life.
I thought I did, I thought that I knew who I was but I have realized that nothing could be further from the truth.
When life settles who will I be? My choices have been made for me... In two short years all of my children will be school aged and gone all day, there will be (fingers crossed) few cancer follow ups, and only yearly developmental checks. What do I do with myself then?
There will be no more babies no matter how much my heart may break for them and my children continue to age no matter how much I urge them to stop.
My grandparents home where I escape to multiple times a year will soon be sold and then my my northern roots will cease to grow. I will attempt to continue to provide my children with small town values and morals and seek out another slower paced location to become by second home.
Perhaps I am feeling lost because everything is changing so quickly, just as I digest one pill another handful is thrust in my face... perhaps I have reached an unhealthy level.
A recent study found that the secret to happiness is the ability to be greatful but I have my doubts. I am immensely greatful for what I have, and I thank God and my lucky stars every single solitary day but yet there is still something missing and for the life of me I dont know what it is.
I struggle with finding my sense of style, balancing obligations and time for myself but even if I did get that free time what in the world would I do with it?
I have no desire to pack my bag and ran away from home as crazy as it can be here at times but I need to sort some stuff out.
I am almost 30 and I'm a stranger to myself, no clue about the basic concepts that shape me or even the superficial things that make me .... do I like my hair long or short, what is my style .... I have no friggen idea!
The worst part is that I dont even know how to go about gaining an idea in the first place.
I have to have purpose and passion right? Everyone else in the world seems to have it.
Maybe one day soon either God or my lucky stars will direct me to the alternate route around this road block and I will be reunited with this elusive Cassandra.
I can totally relate Cass! Thanks for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteI think that must come up for many of us when big life changes happen and for me it was my divorce. I was used to being Mom, Wife, etc etc and then it came to me. Everything was about everyone else. I was giving giving giving. I was burnt out.
ReplyDeleteI also have a child on the spectrum, and more importantly I made changes to keep me from drowning so to speak.
I hired a babysitter alternate Saturday night and this was my sanity. Re-acquainted with old friends, made some new ones.
Then lo and behold, I no longer need a night off a week for sanity. Things are slowly improving and coming out the other side.
You will! You will find what you feel is missing. Maybe just a simple lunch out with a friend once a month, date night with your husband, or ? Only you can figure that out.
Give yourself a pat on the back. You are doing a great job all round.
Cheering you on!