In each of us there is greatness but there are also flaws. While I know that I have ample positive characteristics (I wouldnt have as many people that love me if I didnt) I also know that I have some traits that arent so great and trust is one of them.
There is something within me that refuses to put faith in anyone. This has made many things in my life more difficult then they need to be. It at times has created bumps in my marriage and it has caused friendships to fall by the wayside. I dont know why I have this problem but its there and despite my logical reasoning it doesnt seem to be in any hurry to leave.
My trust issues are more exaggerated when it comes to my children, I trust no one with them and my worries are always through the roof where they are concerned.
Today my faith was tested and I had no choice but to breathe through the panic and allow another to take the lead in the care of my child.
Today has not been a great day for Nick and its clear that with cancer the mood and physical aspects can vary from day to day.
The results from Nick's morning blood work showed that he is now neutropenic which means that he no longer has the ability to fend off infection and getting one can be dangerous. He also has some sores in his mouth that are common to cancer patients and are very painful, he has been given narcotics to help with the pain but that makes him sick ... it seems like he always needs a pill to combat the effects of another pill and multiple times a day he is taking pills by the handful.
After informing us of this the oncologist then said that after meeting with the "team" she believes that they are perhaps treating Nick too aggressively and they want to try removing one medication from his protocol. Doing this would change his protocol from six cycles to four cycles and could remove the need for radiation.
In theory this is great news but right away my mom senses went into overdrive, what if he NEEDS this medication, what if removing it is the difference between remission and a fate I dont even want to imagine?
Perhaps it was my deer in the headlights look or the fact that my racing heartbeat was loud enough to be heard across the room but the doctor was quick to tell me that by repeating his tests and scans every two cycles they will quickly see if the medication needs to be reintroduced. Nick was of course happy, removing this medication means that he can now eat beef jerky and have more then one serving of chocolate a day (not that any of that will happen with mouth sores but at least he has the option).
My child's life is in the hands of someone else, a woman with an extensive education yet cant manage to evenly pluck her eye brows ... how can I rest at night knowing that I have no choice but to trust that things will be ok.
This was one of those times where fear knocked at the door and I had no choice but to let faith answer.
while I would like to say that I don't know where you get your trust issues from or your difficulties letting someone else be in control to do so would be lying. But if nothing else I have begun to learn that we are never really in control of anything except perhaps how we deal with situations given to us, we can curl up in the fetal position and let them run over us or we can stand tall and straight and face them head on. You my child have taught me to stand and I thank you for that. This is just a bump in the road that we are travelling on and one of the times, and I'm sure that there will be many where we must lift our hands and let someone else take the wheel cause we can't do it on our own and put our trust in a power higher than ourselves............
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