Well Hello There

Its been quite a while since I last blogged, months actually.
Its now a new season, I woke to the world being snow covered and sparkly and my life is good. I kept my promise to myself that I would keep the "new" me around and while my every morning may not be filled with inner peace and happiness it is filled with lots and lots of coffee perfectly brewed and handed to me by my loving husband.
Why is he home every morning you ask? well because part of me being happy is him being happy and that meant transferring to a new position at work. This position came with more difficult hours when raising a family and less money but it provided less anxiety and stress so the trade off seemed worth it. Now I have my own personal tattooed barista so I'm not complaining. 
We have also welcomed a seven year old boy into our family, whether his stay will be temporary or permanent only time will tell. What this means is that I now spend my days raising five young men - explains my love of coffee right?!
I make an effort to eat decently, exercise frequently and sleep whenever possible, I figured at the very least I owe myself that much. I needed a foundation to build from and the heart and mind wont be happy if the body is falling apart.
Well that's all for now but I promise that I wont be scarce - chat soon.

Stay Caffeinated; 
Cassandra

Not Your Typical Morning

I've been struggling with this post, whether to write it or not.... whether its over sharing or whether it may be helpful if someone is in a similar boat. I didn't have the words, I still don't know if I do but my therapist encourages writing as method of purging our thoughts and feelings so we have room for new ones (blah blah blah)
Realistically the last few posts have been about the inner workings of my lady parts so I guess in comparison this isn't really all that private.
Life can be messy and complicated and stressful and everyone has their own ways of coping. Most people find a way to deal with situations when they arise and when they are over life is back to normal but what happens when those stressful situations are the normal?
Welcome to my world, My coping method has always been to just pull up my big girl panties and carry on,  Do whats expected, meet and exceed everything, prove everyone wrong.... just do it, Don't ruffle feathers unless its absolutely required, keep your drama to yourself and don't burden others with your pesky expectations or emotions.
Parents ugly divorce, living low income, teenage pregnancy, raising a son while still raising myself, miscarriage, postpartum depression, infertility, marital strife, adoptions, cancer, autism, children with medical needs, death and than the day to day stresses that just come with life - I just coasted. I put one foot in front of the other and those situations became my world and I expected that to always be my method.
Then one morning a few weeks ago something happened, I woke up and realized that while things were the same they were different. That when life goes from constant chaos to semi calm its surreal and it comes with time to reflect. I was able to see that there are aspects of myself and my life that I simply don't like, I haven't liked them for a long time but I've never wanted to rock the boat and so I just sailed along despite my thoughts and feelings. That morning was different, I was different, somehow changed over night and determined not to go back to my old way of being in the world.
I said what needed to be said to people and I made my expectations clear, I wasn't happy with my body or my health and so I committed to change. I realized that I was burdening my children by coddling them and so I delivered responsibilities and consequences. That morning it was clear to me that the world I'd created for myself wasn't even one that I liked and what was worse was I really didn't (and still don't) know what my ideal world even looks like. What I do know is that I will never get to it if I continue to be the way that I was. Change is hard, while I am excited about the possibilities of my future I can see that those around me are uncomfortable. I can see that they would rather things go back to "normal" and while I love them, I just cant let that happen. Eventually with time the new me will be "normal" and they will adjust and maybe just maybe there wont be any more eye opening and life altering mornings, there will only be mornings filled with inner peace, happiness and coffee.... lots and lots of coffee. 

CBC News - The IVF vs BMI Debate

Today I got to participate in a radio interview about my thoughts on whether IVF should be denied to women based on their BMI.
I was nervous but I think that its a topic that needs some discussion and if I can be a part of that chat than I am going to put myself out there no matter the nerves that I may have felt and the opinions of others that I would hear and read that differed from my own.
IVF has been something that has consumed my entire adult life and so its a topic that has my attention and passion.
Infertility comes with its own weight challenges, medication causes weight gain, its hard to be motivated when you are sad and feeling like a failure and it just may be that you have a condition that causes some extra weight (such as PCOS). Regardless of the reason I think that weight is only a small portion of the whole conversation that needs to be had, the discussion needs to be about so much more.... Do you smoke, drink, make good lifestyle choices, how are your hormones and blood pressure and mental health, are you diabetic or do you have some other disease/disorder/ailment that would be problematic to pregnancy and parenting?  Encouraging a healthy lifestyle is always a good idea but denying the right to try and become a mother until an outdated math equation creates a "healthy" number despite all other aspects being favourable is not what I would consider putting the patient first.

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/may-12-2014-1.2908150/should-doctors-allow-obese-women-to-have-ivf-1.2908155

Hope and Reality

Yesterday I was feeling pretty low, the feeling that your body is inexplicably broken is not a fun one.
This cycle I did everything right, I was healthier then I'd previously been, my hormones were all good, my lining was stellar, I had done some autoimmune treatments and my embryos were good quality. There is NO reason for them to implant yet by all accounts they hadn't.
I was feeling bitter and angry but checking the mail changed that. A few years ago my cousin was wanting to start her family and it didn't come as easy as it should. Understanding the initial hope and despair that comes with that new aspect of her life I wanted to do something. I sent her a crystal baby pacifier for good luck and thankfully she was able to go on and quickly have two beautiful girls.
I got that pacifier back yesterday along with a note saying that I should hold on to it for a while and hopefully it will bring me luck too.
The tears started and all my previous stoic ability was lost. It was then that I heard from a nurse friend, she asked me if I'd ever used an hpt with whole blood instead of urine.
I thought she was crazy but decided what the hell I'd give it a shot.
Once home I googled and apparently this is now commonly done in emergency rooms and medical studies support the claims that its accurate.... ok good to know.
Image my surprise when I poke my finger and get a positive result. Got to be a fluke..... two more tests both positive. I went to bed last night slightly hopeful but this mornings still negative urine test made me skeptical again. Whether this blood on hpt method works or not I don't know but I do that for the moment it raised my spirits with its possibility.
Unfortunately my blood work was negative.... beta hcg of 0.5
So now I start over, I start saving money again and I start collecting my optimism for the next round.
Whenever that may be. 

9dp3dt - FRER Results

Pregnancy tests are a complicated thing, who would have guessed that a piece of plastic that you pee on could be so stressful.
Pregnancy tests measure a hormone called HCG and different tests measure different levels of that hormone.
With Maxwell I used cheap internet tests that pick up levels of 25. I got an almost invisible line at 8dpt, then at 9dpt it was super light but there then at 10dpt I got my blood work done to confirm the test and the level was 124 if memory serves me correctly.
This cycle am using a type of test called First Response Early Result (or FRER in the infertility world). This test is one of the most sensitive brands and has been known to detect the hormone at 6mlu or less.
Today I am 9 days past transfer and my test was negative, while I suppose there is the "late implanter" theory I am fairly certain that it just didn't work (again).
I wish I was surprised but I'm truthfully not. I tried very hard to be hopeful do the whole positive thinking thing but it wasn't helpful apparently.
Its not over until my beta test (blood work) on Tuesday but I wont hold my breath for a different outcome.

Lets Limbo!

Today I am 6dp3dt which is the equivalent of 9 days past ovulation and if we want to go by statistics then today is the most common date of implantation.
I don't know if that is true or not but I am certainly not feeling so hot today. I have cramps and a backache and in truth it feels like PMS. I cant really give too much thought to the symptoms though because the medication mimics both PMS and pregnancy.
Now is the time when I can realistically start testing although I may not see a positive result for days (if at all).
For me emotionally this is the time when I start to get a little emotionally out of sorts. One second I am hopeful and then next I am convinced that its a bust, one moment I am gushing over baby clothes in the store and the next I am thinking about how to quickly save money for the next cycle.
Google becomes a best friend and enemy at the same time and if someone checked the computer history then they would find lots of searches for implantation, hpt sensitivity and many more mind numbing yet time killing topics. 
Only five more days to go until the blood test.... once way or another this part of the limbo will be done then.

PUPO - 2dp3dt

We did it. On Friday morning Dom and I went to the fertility clinic before dawn and transferred 3 embryos.
Two were good quality and one was so-so but the lab tech clarified that if it was good enough to freeze then it is good enough to have a reasonable expectation for it to continue to grow and develop.
I am now what those in the infertility world know as PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise), today I am 2dt3dt (2 days past a 3 day transfer).
Now that I have added an anticoagulant to my daily medication I am beginning to get the oh the lovely bruises, they are war wounds I guess but they make me sore and not so appealing to look at.
I typically start testing at home on day seven but this time around I think I want to see how long I can hold out. While its possible to get a positive test at seven days its not likely until around day 10+
So even if this cycle works I may see a few negative tests before I see a positive one and those stark white pee sticks can be really hard on the spirit and they make positive thinking pretty tricky.
I am hopeful, I am thinking about what I will do if it works, I am trying to be more optimistic then my usual realistic thinking self. I have a feeling that the two weeks will fly by because all I want to do is sleep, between the progesterone and the Benedryl I am exhausted and am taking full advantage of the ability to nap.
The bloating has kicked in and so my wardrobe is now yoga pants, dresses and skirts, who doesn't love comfortable attire though???

Fingers crossed for the next two weeks!