CBC News - The IVF vs BMI Debate

Today I got to participate in a radio interview about my thoughts on whether IVF should be denied to women based on their BMI.
I was nervous but I think that its a topic that needs some discussion and if I can be a part of that chat than I am going to put myself out there no matter the nerves that I may have felt and the opinions of others that I would hear and read that differed from my own.
IVF has been something that has consumed my entire adult life and so its a topic that has my attention and passion.
Infertility comes with its own weight challenges, medication causes weight gain, its hard to be motivated when you are sad and feeling like a failure and it just may be that you have a condition that causes some extra weight (such as PCOS). Regardless of the reason I think that weight is only a small portion of the whole conversation that needs to be had, the discussion needs to be about so much more.... Do you smoke, drink, make good lifestyle choices, how are your hormones and blood pressure and mental health, are you diabetic or do you have some other disease/disorder/ailment that would be problematic to pregnancy and parenting?  Encouraging a healthy lifestyle is always a good idea but denying the right to try and become a mother until an outdated math equation creates a "healthy" number despite all other aspects being favourable is not what I would consider putting the patient first.

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/may-12-2014-1.2908150/should-doctors-allow-obese-women-to-have-ivf-1.2908155

Hope and Reality

Yesterday I was feeling pretty low, the feeling that your body is inexplicably broken is not a fun one.
This cycle I did everything right, I was healthier then I'd previously been, my hormones were all good, my lining was stellar, I had done some autoimmune treatments and my embryos were good quality. There is NO reason for them to implant yet by all accounts they hadn't.
I was feeling bitter and angry but checking the mail changed that. A few years ago my cousin was wanting to start her family and it didn't come as easy as it should. Understanding the initial hope and despair that comes with that new aspect of her life I wanted to do something. I sent her a crystal baby pacifier for good luck and thankfully she was able to go on and quickly have two beautiful girls.
I got that pacifier back yesterday along with a note saying that I should hold on to it for a while and hopefully it will bring me luck too.
The tears started and all my previous stoic ability was lost. It was then that I heard from a nurse friend, she asked me if I'd ever used an hpt with whole blood instead of urine.
I thought she was crazy but decided what the hell I'd give it a shot.
Once home I googled and apparently this is now commonly done in emergency rooms and medical studies support the claims that its accurate.... ok good to know.
Image my surprise when I poke my finger and get a positive result. Got to be a fluke..... two more tests both positive. I went to bed last night slightly hopeful but this mornings still negative urine test made me skeptical again. Whether this blood on hpt method works or not I don't know but I do that for the moment it raised my spirits with its possibility.
Unfortunately my blood work was negative.... beta hcg of 0.5
So now I start over, I start saving money again and I start collecting my optimism for the next round.
Whenever that may be. 

9dp3dt - FRER Results

Pregnancy tests are a complicated thing, who would have guessed that a piece of plastic that you pee on could be so stressful.
Pregnancy tests measure a hormone called HCG and different tests measure different levels of that hormone.
With Maxwell I used cheap internet tests that pick up levels of 25. I got an almost invisible line at 8dpt, then at 9dpt it was super light but there then at 10dpt I got my blood work done to confirm the test and the level was 124 if memory serves me correctly.
This cycle am using a type of test called First Response Early Result (or FRER in the infertility world). This test is one of the most sensitive brands and has been known to detect the hormone at 6mlu or less.
Today I am 9 days past transfer and my test was negative, while I suppose there is the "late implanter" theory I am fairly certain that it just didn't work (again).
I wish I was surprised but I'm truthfully not. I tried very hard to be hopeful do the whole positive thinking thing but it wasn't helpful apparently.
Its not over until my beta test (blood work) on Tuesday but I wont hold my breath for a different outcome.

Lets Limbo!

Today I am 6dp3dt which is the equivalent of 9 days past ovulation and if we want to go by statistics then today is the most common date of implantation.
I don't know if that is true or not but I am certainly not feeling so hot today. I have cramps and a backache and in truth it feels like PMS. I cant really give too much thought to the symptoms though because the medication mimics both PMS and pregnancy.
Now is the time when I can realistically start testing although I may not see a positive result for days (if at all).
For me emotionally this is the time when I start to get a little emotionally out of sorts. One second I am hopeful and then next I am convinced that its a bust, one moment I am gushing over baby clothes in the store and the next I am thinking about how to quickly save money for the next cycle.
Google becomes a best friend and enemy at the same time and if someone checked the computer history then they would find lots of searches for implantation, hpt sensitivity and many more mind numbing yet time killing topics. 
Only five more days to go until the blood test.... once way or another this part of the limbo will be done then.

PUPO - 2dp3dt

We did it. On Friday morning Dom and I went to the fertility clinic before dawn and transferred 3 embryos.
Two were good quality and one was so-so but the lab tech clarified that if it was good enough to freeze then it is good enough to have a reasonable expectation for it to continue to grow and develop.
I am now what those in the infertility world know as PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise), today I am 2dt3dt (2 days past a 3 day transfer).
Now that I have added an anticoagulant to my daily medication I am beginning to get the oh the lovely bruises, they are war wounds I guess but they make me sore and not so appealing to look at.
I typically start testing at home on day seven but this time around I think I want to see how long I can hold out. While its possible to get a positive test at seven days its not likely until around day 10+
So even if this cycle works I may see a few negative tests before I see a positive one and those stark white pee sticks can be really hard on the spirit and they make positive thinking pretty tricky.
I am hopeful, I am thinking about what I will do if it works, I am trying to be more optimistic then my usual realistic thinking self. I have a feeling that the two weeks will fly by because all I want to do is sleep, between the progesterone and the Benedryl I am exhausted and am taking full advantage of the ability to nap.
The bloating has kicked in and so my wardrobe is now yoga pants, dresses and skirts, who doesn't love comfortable attire though???

Fingers crossed for the next two weeks!

Let's Get This Party Started

The time has come, I called in my "Day 1" and went in for my appointment.
Bloodwork and ultrasound showed that I have an ovarian cyst (big surprise!) and my hormones are a little elevated so I have to hold off on starting the estrogen medication for the moment.
I counted out all my syringes to make sure that I had enough to cover two weeks and I got the prescriptions to fill. Next check up is in four days. If the cycle is successful then I will need to stay on the shots until the second trimester which is the 13th week. The blood thinner isn't a painful needle, its small and gets injected into the fatty spots on the stomach; the progesterone is another story, its a big intermuscular shot that I give myself in the thigh. After a few days it feels like I've been running for miles and I get these cramps from the muscles spasming. I need to apply heat and massage the spots so that I don't get tiny lumps from the medication pooling in the muscle. Its rather unpleasant but those shots help support a pregnancy so they are extremely important. 
Today I also donated my unused (and unneeded) stimulation medication to the clinic, it will be given for free to a woman who needs it. There's no sense in me holding on to it and letting it expire. That's a lot of money to just go to waste. Hopefully it will help a woman become a mom.
Now my project for the next few days is to cut back on the caffeine and increase my water intake, I really dislike good ol' h2o so its a bit of a struggle but I know that water is the best thing to help the body function properly so its a small price to pay for good health.

Embracing The Journey

Its no secret that I've always wanted a big family and I have come to accept that there are two options in life, accept what you are given or work your ass off for what you want. I have always been the type to do the latter. I love the movie Cheaper By The Dozen, there is a scene where they are having breakfast before school and its total chaos, there is food throwing and a loose frog and big giant mess but every time I see that part of the movie I smile. I want that.
Cheaper By The Dozen - Breakfast Scene
I could have let losing the baby ruin it, I could have allowed my life to be quiet, to make a different plan for the future and move on but screw that.... that's just not the type of girl that I am.
I worked hard to create my family and I make no apologies for it, I know that its not for everyone, that it looks a little crazy and difficult and I am ok with that. I don't judge those who only want a small family or those who decide to accept the cards they have been dealt and change their original path so if others judge me then that's their problem not mine. My happiness just looks differently then theirs.
I debated about whether to cycle privately, to keep it a secret and just pop up 3 months pregnant never speaking of the multiple appointments or daily injections or worries that come with assisted reproduction. I didn't want to hear the judgement or comments that I have heard in the past. Something changed my mind, I saw a quote on Pinterest that said The Journey Is Just As Important As The Destination. Its true, I cant just have a white girl wasted night and surprisingly miss a period two weeks later. It takes months of preparation and planning and artificial hormones and I don't feel like lying about the mood swings that accompany them. There's also a second part..... My failures are a part of me, they have molded me into the person and parent that I am. They have made me more compassionate in some areas and more bitter in others. They have taught me appreciation and they have removed my patience for bull shit. Keeping my failures a secret minimizes them. If by some miracle I get pregnant I know just as every infertile knows it can end in the blink of an eye, I want to be happy in every minute that I have it and I don't want to do that secretly.
It took me 3 IVF cycles and 11 frozen cycles to conceive Maxwell and I knew the moment he was born that we would try again. Over the past four years we have done another fresh cycle and two frozen transfers but they all failed. I was diagnosed as a recurrent loss patient and underwent a battery of tests and surgeries/procedures to try and help. We are now thinking outside the box where medication and preparation are concerned and we are taking the approach of "if it won't hurt lets try it"
There have been multiple set backs because of Maxwell's health but we are now in a good place and are ready to move forward. Medical consents have been signed and I spent international women's day getting a uterine biopsy to try and aid in implantation after the embryo transfer.
Now we wait, in about a week I will head back to the clinic and start the frozen embryo transfer cycle.
I know the odds are against me, I am not naive to the likely outcome but despite that I still have some hope, sometimes miracles happen....