Well That's Confusing

Its 6am and I stumble to the bathroom half asleep, collect my FMU for today's test and decide that since my FRER supply is running low I will just test with a cheapie that I ordered in bulk from the internet. Wait the allotted time and take a look.... blink and look again.... is that a faint second line???? Better test again to be sure...... again there's what looks like a second line - a "squinter" as its known in the TTC community.
Well this must be confirmed before I get excited and so I rip open a FRER and get to testing.... only one single line - WTF

Thinking that the cheapie tests must be dreaded evaporation lines I dig yesterdays tests out of the garbage only to find that there is no sign of any evap lines on them. Now I am even more confused. While technically the cheapie tests claim to detect a smaller level of HCG (10miu) and the FRER claims to detect 25miu everyone knows that the FRER actually detects around 7miu so in reality it should have become positive before the cheapie test.
Now today I have two options..... linger in the confusion and have a serious discussion with my uterus about tomorrows test or try and hold my pee for 8 hours to collect a similar sample from this morning. Having just finished this mornings coffee something tells me that my bladder will make the final decision.

I Can Feel The Hope Fading

Its inevitable, there's always that one day during the cycle where the emotions get the best of you and the hopeful sparkle starts to dull. That day hit me full steam this morning. I fully expected to wake up and be met with two beautiful lines on a pregnancy test and it didn't happen.
While I am not totally out of the game yet, at 8dp3dt I would expect to see something faint on the gold standard of tests. To be honest right now I am just in the mindset of making it through the day so that I am one day closer to this being over.... so that we can start all over next month with our last two embryos.

The POAS party has started

Yep you read that right the POAS (pee on a stick) party has started so join me as the insanity grows daily.
This is the time of cycling when the mind becomes a monster and the hormones and hopes/fears take over all rational thoughts.
This cycle I have decided to use FRER tests (first response early result).... you know the ones, they claim that they can detect a pregnancy 5-6 days before a missed period. While there are claims of women getting positive results very early many (I'd even dare to say the majority) do not.

My initial intention wasn't to test until I was 8dp3dt (8 days past my 3 day transfer) which would be the equivalent of 11 days past ovulation however as I've said before I lack all willpower and I started testing yesterday at day 6.
Both yesterdays day 6 and today's day 7 tests looked negative to me which was slightly disappointing but not unexpected. I am still hopeful and am keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrows test shows that much sought after second line.

 6dp3dt

7dp3dt

My Dearest Valentine.....

Most valentines we celebrate the same way, with a quickly wished happy valentines and maybe a card, nothing to fancy to celebrate an extremely commercialized holiday. This year we had the opportunity to do something different and decided that it would be fun. We went to a legion hall in a neighbouring small town and had dinner and participated in a version of "the newlywed game". You know the game, husbands and wives are asked questions and try to match their answers. After 15 years together I thought that it would be fun to see how much we really knew about each other, especially since it frequently has felt over the years like we are just two ships passing in the night.
Dinner was great.... roast, veggies, salad and dessert then it was time for the game to begin. Seated along with three other couples we discovered during the introductions that we are the "old couple" the couple with the longest marriage and the only couple with kids (although two contestants were pregnant).
Armed with a pad of paper and a sharpie marker we did our best. By the end of round one we were losing.... 6 measly points. Clearly we need to spend more time discussing our secret wishes of super powers and which animals we would like to become if given the option. For the record never have I wanted to be a tiger.... ever. We were doomed. Then something happened, the questions turned more serious what would your spouse say is your favourite memory, where was your first kiss, then the questions got MORE personal oddest place you've had sex, how do you know when your spouse is in the mood. Holy crap, they were getting embarrassing to answer with my parents in the audience.
At the end of the game we were tied for first place.... after the tie breaker we came in second but now should the question which of your friends would your husband have sex with ever get asked I'll be ready LOL

The night was great, I realized that we really did know each other much better than we thought and we won a gift certificate for dinner out - win win.
The following morning we dropped the kids off at Nanna's house and headed to the clinic for our embryo transfer (closest thing to getting knocked up on Valentines Day that I'll ever get). I had brought all of the good luck things that Dom had found leading up to our appointment and I just felt like I was in a good head space, cautiously optimistic and maybe even a wee bit hopeful. With legs in stirrups the lab tech came in to verify our info and let us know that our embryos were compacting morulas consistent with day four embryos which is awesome because we were only technically day 3. Never in all of our cycles have I had a compacting morula, my slow to grow "duds" were actually champs in disguise. Doctor described the cycle as couldn't ask for better. Home I went to take it easy and was happy to discover Cheaper By The Dozen on TV.... if you've read my blog then you'd know that this is a movie that has shaped the type of family that I wanted to create. The following day I went to bed and was met with The Blind Side which was the correct answer that Dom gave when asked Whats your wife's favourite movie.
Today I am 3dp4dt (3 days past a 4 day transfer OR 7 days past ovulation) - the time is going by both fast and slow. I am fluctuating between hopeful and pessimistic but I think that's pretty realistic and to be expected.  Next week I'll start testing in hopes of seeing two lines.... fingers crossed.

Thirty Three Thoughts

With my birthday two days away I thought that I would pass along some of the insights and words of wisdom that I have learned in my (almost) 33 years on this earth.
Here goes...

1. Silly string is fun no matter how old you are but be sure to get it out of your hair as quickly as you can, its a real bitch to pick out once it dries.

2. Always tip well, especially if its a place you think you'll visit frequently. Nobody wants to be the regular that tips like shit.

3. Maintain your eyebrows, its hard to keep eye contact if there are distracting brows stealing the focus.

4. Don't be the weirdo that checks themselves out in the gym mirror..... seriously don't, its creepy.

5. Smile at strangers, pay a compliment. Your nice words could be the nicest thing they have heard in a long time. Take a minute and think about that..... for the rest of their lives the memory of you will make a stranger smile.

6. Practice random acts of kindness daily, small or big, every act is appreciated

7. No matter how much you appreciate your own grass, sometimes the grass just looks greener in someone else's yard. Its normal and ok but before you get to caught up in trying to make your lawn look like theirs think for a moment about how much shit they may use for fertiliser. 

8. Food trucks often have the yummiest items.

9. They say that marriage is 50/50 but it's a lie, marriage is 100/100 and only putting in 50% of the effort just isn't enough.

10. Tattoos are indeed addictive

11. Family doesn't have to be blood, it doesn't have to look like everyone else's. Families can fight and be angry with each other, what differentiates family from friends is that family gets over it.

12. Whenever waitstaff asks if you want cheese or bacon say yes..... why the hell not?!

13. Jealousy is like salt, a little bit can enhance the food but too much ruins the whole thing.

14. Not everyone is going to like you and that's ok. Don't try to impress them or persuade them.

15. Insecurity is an ugly trait. There is nothing that makes a person more appealing than confidence (but don't become a douche)

16. You can look great at any size if you dress for your body shape.

17. Not everyone will agree with your life choices, the people that matter will support you regardless.

18. Its normal to have quirks, kinks and things about yourself that are "weird" - that's what makes people interesting.

19. Don't be passive aggressive its just annoying. If you have something to say just say it.

20. Do your best. Your only competition is you.

21. If you don't like something change it, yep its that simple because what you allow is what will continue.

22. There is a freedom in being silly (I'm still working on this one)

23. Dancing when nobody is watching is a must, that's when the best moves are practiced

24. Everybody sings in the car.... everybody

25. Don't talk on your cell phone while waiting in line, its rude and nobody wants to hear your conversation

26. Don't be transparent, keep little pieces of yourself secret and be selective about who gets to see them.

27. Every now and then be brave, do something totally outside of your comfort zone. You may hate it but the experience will give you a rush

28. The scale is the devil, the body can look very different while weighing the same thing depending on body composition.

29. Its ok to throw yourself a pity party every now and again but don't linger there. Don't be the person who brings everyone else down. Besides, there are people in life who's problems are way worse than yours. One last tip on pity party attitudes... the FML status on social media creates an immediate eye roll for all those who read it.

30. Have special sayings with those you love, code words and inside jokes..... that's how you secure your relationship with your people.

31. Getting into a neat and tidy bed at the end of the day can sometimes feel like the most relaxing thing on the planet.

32. Failure is part of life, it sucks in the moment but it can serve as a life lesson.

33. Caffeine and orgasms are the best treatment for headaches.

There you have it, 33 of my most useful facts. Take them or leave them or better yet comment and share your insights.
 

Cringle McJingle the elf on the shelf

I think that by now most people with children are familiar with the elf on the shelf which is quickly becoming a popular Christmas tradition, if you aren't familiar with this trend let me take a minute to give you a quick education.
The elf on the shelf is from the north pole and he is sent from Santa himself to help manage the nice & naughty list. When your elf arrives you must give him a name, its then that he receives his magic. As still as a statue he watches all day then once the kiddos are asleep he flies back to Santa's workshop to give the Big Guy a run down of the behaviours of the day. When the kids awake in the morning the elf has returned and is ready to watch them again. Each day he is in a different place often times doing an activity. He must NEVER be touched, his would be tragic, his magic will be lost and he will then return to the north pole forever.

This is our first year with an elf on the shelf, Cringle McJingle won the name debate (Sugar Cookiebottom was a close contender).
I gave much thought to whether to start this tradition, its a lot of work. I now must outlast the kids at bedtime and very stealth like move this elf around the house being ever so careful not to get caught, it also requires being creative and tapping into my silly side (which I tend to keep buried deep).
Its fun and its made getting up and ready for school go smoother because the kids cant go looking for Mr. McJingle until they are ready.
While the holidays are a fantastic time for most children, for the adults it can be a time of stress, frustration and sadness. Money gets tight, distance from family and friends is felt and the stress tends to lead to bickering and arguments with the ones we hold close. While Christmas is magical it can also be an emotionally draining season. I will gladly take every available opportunity to keep the month lighthearted, to be able to see my kids smile and laugh each morning and know that I secretly caused it, to see my husband watch my nightly missions and just shake his head at my unusually juvenile attitude... its worth it, its totally worth it. 

To learn more about the Elf On The Shelf click HERE

Well Hello There

Its been quite a while since I last blogged, months actually.
Its now a new season, I woke to the world being snow covered and sparkly and my life is good. I kept my promise to myself that I would keep the "new" me around and while my every morning may not be filled with inner peace and happiness it is filled with lots and lots of coffee perfectly brewed and handed to me by my loving husband.
Why is he home every morning you ask? well because part of me being happy is him being happy and that meant transferring to a new position at work. This position came with more difficult hours when raising a family and less money but it provided less anxiety and stress so the trade off seemed worth it. Now I have my own personal tattooed barista so I'm not complaining. 
We have also welcomed a seven year old boy into our family, whether his stay will be temporary or permanent only time will tell. What this means is that I now spend my days raising five young men - explains my love of coffee right?!
I make an effort to eat decently, exercise frequently and sleep whenever possible, I figured at the very least I owe myself that much. I needed a foundation to build from and the heart and mind wont be happy if the body is falling apart.
Well that's all for now but I promise that I wont be scarce - chat soon.

Stay Caffeinated; 
Cassandra