Stress Be Gone For 2014

Its the start of a new year and while I am not a big believer of resolutions I am going to make a strong effort to take better care of myself.
Last year I started taking better care of my body and I have discovered that taking better care of my mind and heart is just as important.
I often have a lot of needless stress, I overwhelm myself with things that I cannot change, that are out of my control. Too often I have given myself migraines, kidney stone attacks and cold sore outbreaks from worry.
A money mix up that results in a NSF charge causes my blood pressure to rise and and my whole body to tense up. I can literially become sick from something that isnt the end of the world. I have dealt with MUCH worse over the last few years so its insane that I allow myself to become so over whelmed and although I hate to admit it I often take out my stress on my husband. I can be snotty and short with him and while I don't think I ever try to be mean it wouldn't shock me if I was. While he has his own areas that need improvement, he doesn't need to be my venting system.
This Christmas we got a great surprise, my aunt B came to celebrate with us, sadly on the way here she was involved in an accident and totaled the SUV that shes had for only two months. She got some bruises but over all walked away unharmed..... unlike the accident in 2011 from which shes still not fully reovered from.
Naturally a bit hessitent about making an 8 hour drive it was decided that my mom and I would drive her back home. I've been saying for a very long time that I wanted to go home so I guess somebody got sick of hearing me talk and decided to make it happen.
Northern weather can be unpredictible and we ended up getting stuck an extra day. I normally would panic but there realistically was nothing I could do about it, try as I may I cant control the weather. I sat in my car and made arrangements for the boys since Dom had to return to work and then decided to let the stress go. There were moments that I found myself anxious about the weather especially when hearing that the only hwy in and out of town was closed due to accidents and road conditions (and remained that way for 12 hours) but I talked myself out of the worry and decided to focus on the unintentional awesomeness of the trip. I had an afternoon couch nap that I rarely do, I got outside in the bitter cold with my camera to take some pictures of a place that holds my heart and I got to sit with family around the table and have a fantastic meal. None of it was planned but all of it was great.
That night I laid in bed stressing about the next day, at 11pm the hwy was still closed. That night I had the most vivid dream about my grandpa and woke up feeling as though he had really been there. It renewed my intent to remain calm regardless of my surroundings which was good because the stress kept coming.
While the roads were better then the previous day they still were not good and what should have taken 1.5 hours to North Bay actually took 2.5 hours. My speed remained around 50km and I fishtailed frequently - I used muscles I didnt even know that I had to keep the car safely on the road. I knew that I just had to make it to North Bay and then we would be safe. After that I made up the time and got home without a hiccup only to discover that there had been a financial paperwork mix up and the ACSD payment for the boys hadnt been deposited in my account... awesome sauce *sigh* Who really needs money anyway right???
Typically I would freak out but I avoided it, I did wake up with a cold sore and some aching muscles from tensing up but I cant completely be over my stressful ways. Thankfully life gives me ample practice LOL 

Happy Anniversary Nick!

 On December 20th 2013 Nick celebrated is second remission anniversary!
While there are still lots of appointments to make sure that cancer keeps its distance we remain incredibly blessed and lucky.
Nick's health continues to improve as does his outlook on life.
Nick recently completed high school and is scheduled to begin college in the fall to become a social worker.
His goal is to work internationally doing humanitarian work.
I cant take much credit for the man that he is becoming but I do give myself a pat on the back. For being born to a 14 year old girl he has turned out pretty well.
I am excited to continue watching him grow and morph into an adult. 

I am a photographer

Back when Nick was sick and I was encouraged to pursue my love of photography as a profession I was skeptical about my skill level. I felt like I was just playing photographer instead of being a real one. I thought that the more I worked the more confident I would become and eventually the phrase I'm a photographer would be more easily said but here we are two years later and I still struggle with it.
I have loved photography for as long as I can remember, I look back at the pictures that I took when I was young and I can still remember the passion that I felt even back then. When I got my first house even though I didn't have a ton of money the first thing that I bought was a framed piece of art work. Cost my entire months salary but I had to have it. My brothers still make fun of me for spending money on a picture of a cow.

The truth is that my confidence was shaken because I didn't really know the truth about photography. I didn't know that realistically the majority of photographers take more "bad" pictures then "good" during a session and that so many pictures today are digitally altered and enhanced. I would do a shoot and take 100 pictures and end up with 40 that I really liked and I would feel like a failure.... ready to throw in the towel because I felt like a fraud. Little did I know that it is actually common and normal.
I also feel like pictures should be as close to natural as possible so aside from a few mild tweaks here and there my images are very close to SOOC (straight out of camera).
I watch tutorials about editing and I truthfully have no desire to smooth a mothers skin or add brightness to a child's eyes.... I want their beauty to be real not created via my computer.

Recently I reached out to another photographer who's work I adore. Its very different then mine but I see many of her shots and I get goosebumps. She charges an arm and a leg (and a few internal organs) but she must be worth it because she is highly sought after. She is what I think of when I imagine a "photographer".
I sent her a message thanking her. I told her about how there have been a few times where I have considered putting an end to my photography "career" but then I will see something that she posts and my spark is reignited and my passion refreshed. That her talent is something amazing and her skill is something that one could only strive for.
She saw my message and never responded.... not a single word.
I realized that I put someone on a pedestal and created them into something that they are not. I created this kind and amazing soul who also takes great pictures and in reality she didn't even have the manners that god gave a billy goat.
The truth is that I don't have a bachelors of fine arts, I don't often follow the "rules" of photo composition, I have no desire to photoshop the hell out of something real and turn it into something artificial and 
I love black and white photography far more then colour most of the time because it causes me to feel the picture instead of simply looking at it.

A couple weeks ago I did a session for a friend and I was so unhappy with the turn out that I messaged her and told her that I was refunding her money. She told me that I was ridiculous and I was truthfully annoyed with her confidence in me. I couldn't see what she saw. I looked at the picture and all I saw was uneven light across her daughters face, I thought she only liked it because it was her daughter... she had to like it, but then I started seeing the comments from others who were unbiased in their opinions and a light bulb went off in my head. I am my own worst critic and I worry about the judgement of what I put out because I created it, its me.... its my work, its something that despite involving others is so personal and it scares me to feel so exposed. What if nobody likes it, what if someone thinks I'm bad or untalented, what if someone feels like choosing me was a waste of their time and money..... these are the thought that enter my head every time I edit. In the end the problem is not my skill level or lack of education or lack of love for photoshop, the problem is me. And its not only photography, it spills over into other areas of my life to, I am my own worst enemy and the harsh judgement that I hear is only my own. I need to nip this in the butt right now.

I need to get out of my own way and see where my love of capturing life can take me. I need to see who I can be with true confidence. There have recently been some financial changes in my household and it was crystal clear that I needed to earn more money. I toyed with the thought of returning to teaching daycare but I would simply be going through the motions with no real affection for the job. While I may take that route on a supply/substitute schedule I also decided to expand from natural light photography and also include artificial lighting and open a home based studio. I can accept more clients and I wont be so weather dependent. I need to get out of my comfort zone, see what I can create when I am not afraid of the judgement of others (or myself) because after all I AM A PHOTOGRAPHER! 

Click Here To View A Slideshow Created By Treasure Beyond Measure Photography

Fifty Eight Days

We got a date!
Maxwell will be having his heart procedure in 58 short days!!!
Imagine me running on the treadmill at the gym while talking to the hospital coordinator on my cell and taking notes on my ipad. I'm sure that I looked like a self involved snob but some days that's just the way its got to be.
I am both nervous and excited to have it happen. Now our goal will be to keep the germs at bay so that he doesn't end up sick, hard to do in a class of 30 kindergarteners but we will try.
We told Max that we will get him some new pj's, a pair of slippers and a new stuffed friend to snuggle when he's not feeling so good.
While the actual procedure is considered a day surgery Max typically ends up having to stay over night for one reason or another. Considering that he will have an ECHO, ECG and X-ray done the previous day and the day after surgery it just makes sense to stay in a hotel close to the hospital; until I saw the hotel prices, I mean really if I'm paying almost $300 a night do they really need to charge $30 a day for parking too??? 
At the moment I am just making a game plan for babysitters, school and all the other factors that need to be considered when having a big and unique family but I'm celebrating that Maxwell is on the way to a healthier childhood. 

How an ASD is closed via cathetherization

Scarless Ivory Skin

Pictures can be powerful things, they can evoke multiple emotions and perhaps that's why people love them so much, I am frequently moved by images that I see and I think that is why I decided to become a photographer but the other day a picture stopped me in my tracks. It was one of those annoying lets see if this picture can get 1000 likes on Facebook. The picture was of a little baby fresh out of heart surgery with the staples still holding him together. I seriously caught my breath, I had the sudden realization that my child would soon look like that. His ivory soft skin would have cold metal staples embedded in them and the thought made me sad. My goal for years has been to get Maxwell stable enough for surgery and its finally happened but I had never thought about the actual surgery or what would follow after.
I tried to put the thought of my little boy with a giant scar to the back of my mind. On Saturday I had my annual reading with L and while there is still a certain level of healthy skepticism there is also a sense of awareness based on the fact that she has been accurate about many major things over the years. During my reading she said that she didn't see any major surgery, illness or injury, I thought she was off her game because I knew that we were waiting for the phone call about Max's upcoming open heart surgery. Then less then 48 hours later I get the long awaited phone call from cardiology, there is a surgeon at Sick Kids Hospital that is fairly confident that he can repair Maxwell's atrial septal defect via catheter instead of having to open his chest! Holy Cow, a day procedure instead of a week long hospital stay, a small scar in his groin vs a giant scar running down his chest, a band aid instead of staples... this is incredible news.
So now we wait again, the coordinator is going to call with the dates and times for his pre-op tests and then we cross our fingers and hope that the surgeon's confidence proves accurate. 
I guess "L" was right again.

Buckle Up

Today was a big day for my biggest boy, he got his G1 learners permit and can now drive. He has been asking to go write the test for months and I have kept stalling.  The truth is that having him behind the wheel of a car terrifies me. That's a lot of responsibility for someone who only recently learned to do his own laundry and work the Tassimo machine.  I worry about whether I have taught him well enough to make the choices that will not only keep him safe but others as well. Will he wear his seat belt, will he drink and then think he can drive home, will he be distracted and careless or give into the rage that can sometimes occur. These thoughts scare me to death but there is nothing I can do except let him spread his wings and fly a little. He is signed up for a drivers ed class in the spring which will give him 25 hours of in class instruction and 10 hours behind the wheel. As much as this preparation is for him it is also for me to. This is another step on the road to adulthood that I am not fond of my kids traveling down.  I know.... I know.... I have mothering issues.... I'm aware and working on them LOL.

Its Been Months!!!

Hi everyone! Its been brought to my attention that I havent blogged in months so I figured I should make more of an effort since clearly people wonder about us.
Over the last few months life has been busy, our renovations have been completed and I love the end result, now is the fun stuff, the customizing and creating the feel that I want our home to have. Dom returned to work after a four month hiatus to manage his newly discovered diabetes and anxiety disorder and the kids all returned to school... ALL of them. I am now the parent of school age children!
I debated about what to do with myself as this is new territory for me, I even handed out some resumes and toyed with the notion of going back to work but given the amount of appointments and days where Max feels under the weather I would be away from my job more then I was there. Clearly its just not the time to return to the working world yet. Instead I spend my days being a domestic goddess (*giggle*) and focusing on my health. I have lost a bit of weight and improving my health is a focus so that Dom and I can move forward with using those seven little ice baby's that we have stored safely at the lab. Last month I participated in a Color Me Rad run and while I don't feel the need to do it again it was a fun life experience and something that I wanted to cross off my bucket list.
We recently had an appointment with cardiology and Maxwell now is considered medically stable enough to have his open heart surgery. We are currently waiting to hear from the hospital regarding the next steps but from what we were told it will likely be in the early months of 2014.
Stay tuned for more blog updates from this newly appointed Domestic Goddess...