It's Been A While

   

Well hello there, its been a while.

Lots has happened since last I wrote and like you'd expect life has been eventful.

Where to begin......
The little boy that joined our family by surprise in 2014 is now legally ours and is ten years old.
The combination of being on the severe end of the autism spectrum, seven years of questionable upbringing and a swift switch from one family to another has made him a challenge to parent at times but we want the best for him, we want to see him flourish and bloom and so even though some days can be frustrating we push on and strive for happiness and success. We know that its obtainable. Looking back we can see how fantastically far he has come but sometimes it feels like a raindrop in the ocean.

In December 2016 we welcomed a little GIRL from our twenty first embryo transfer!
Beau is now a plump and silly nine month old. She really is such a wonderful addition to our family and she has such a special bond with biggest brother Nick. With there being 20 years between them I was worried for a minute, especially when he initially wasn't thrilled with the news of another sibling. Who could blame him, he knew he would spend a large portion of his time correcting people when they assume he is her dad and I am his girlfriend (awkward!)

During my pregnancy with her we had planned to bank her cord blood just in case it would ever be needed but a week before her birth Nick reached his five year remission anniversary and was considered CANCER FREE! Oncology suggested that banking the blood on the chances that Nicks cancer would come back were less than 3.5% and it would be an extremely costly waste of money. I decided not to think about the unlikely, to focus on the positives... my son was cancer free and I was having a baby within the week. If only I had made a different choice. If only I had followed my gut. If only I trusted in my belief of taking the path of least regret.

Less than three months later Nick began talking about symptoms reappearing, knowing that his anxiety tends to sometimes get the best of him I would reassure him of the odds, of the purpose of lymph nodes and their role within the body. One day he came up to get some orange juice from the fridge in nothing but his long johns and I noticed how thin my child was looking. Three point five percent mom.... three point five percent, he must be thin from the months of athletics in college and the weekly martial arts classes - yeah that's it.
Then I got a text,  mom I dunno what happened but everything went dark and I fell.  
ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.

I emailed his oncology nurse and asked for a quick check up.
Everything looks good, nodes don't feel enlarged but lets just do a CT scan to make everyone feel better. Fast forward to a couple days after the CT scan and I get a voice mail Hey guys can you give me a call back, we got Nicks CT report and we need to chat about next steps. That's voice mail code for brace yourself, everyone knows that there wouldn't need to be next steps if everything was normal.

Many doctors later, many biopsies and tests later and we got the official news. Less Than Three Point Five Percent and Nick fell right in it. Treatment would be different this time, Nick would be an adult and the protocol much harder. Because he'd already received chemo and radiation in the past, this time he would need something called salvage chemo and hopefully autologous stem cell therapy (more on this in a future post).
Nick was angry and rightfully so, I was angry, everyone who loved him was angry. This wasn't supposed to happen again.

Nick has now completed two cycles of GDP protocol chemotherapy and we are currently waiting for his body to recover before a CT scan is booked and we have our team meeting about next steps. While we wait I have the job of injecting my child daily with brutally expensive medication in hopes of keeping his immune system at a level that will keep a minuscule infection from being extremely problematic. He doesn't like getting the shots, I don't like giving the shots but we both know that they need to be done and so we approach them with humour, Welcome to your spa treatment Nicholas, would you like the batman band aids or the extra sticky brown plastic ones? Those ones come with a free arm wax ;)

Thirteen

Today my husband and I are celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary!
In a world of what seems to be disposable marriages we are proud of how far we have come.
Its not because there haven't been struggles - oh boy have there been struggles but its because we refocus and remember why we started. We remember that we wanted forever, that we wanted a different ending than both our parents had. Over the years there have been many stumbling blocks, we face challenges daily that statistics show frequently end marriages. We have had miscarriages, infertility, adoptions, a child with cancer, a child requiring multiple surgeries and needing daily accommodations, three children on the autism spectrum, we have each at times struggled with insecurities and bouts of depression and we have not always treated each other with as much respect as we should, we've said hurtful things and even done hurtful things, we are human and flawed but through all of this we have learned things too. We have learned that we are different individuals and we have different expectations and love languages. Its taken a long time to learn the secret codes of each other, to realize that we aren't mind readers and that we both must speak up to be heard. Its like a dance that requires a lifetime to perfect. If we'd walked away before we would have missed learning the moves that make the dance our own. We're a work in progress, we are two good forgivers, two people that strive for improvement, two people working towards the same goal, two people who have learned that appreciation goes a long way and two people who want to create a life together that makes our children want to follow in our footsteps. Most importantly we are two people who know that despite the old saying marriage is not 50/50 its 100/100 and both people have to give their all if its going to last a lifetime. Every year is a milestone and we are excited to see where the next year takes us.

Fingers Crossed

Last week I went for my WTF (what the f*ck) appointment with my RE. His jaw almost hit the floor when I told him that we are going to move forward with IVF #5.
I'm sure he thinks I am nuts, he pretty much said so...  "you have done so much, why not be finished" he then also brought up using a surrogate and he thinks I am crazy for declining. Its just not the right choice for me, I want the whole package, I want the pregnancy and the baby. I know myself well enough to know that I am going to be sad and resentful the entire time a surrogate is carrying our baby, wishing that it was me instead. Truthfully I don't even think that I would need a surrogate, I think that with the introlipids and better quality embryos I will be able to avoid another chemical pregnancy and have it be the real deal. The plan was to save for the next little while and do the cycle in the spring but the doctor let me know that if the IVF OHIP funding starts on schedule in November that I will be able to use the funding and so we can cycle sooner than expected - it was a great surprise since I didn't think that I would be able to benefit from OHIP since I'd had so many previous failures.
Now I am back to getting my body into the best shape that I can by the fall. I've started taking CoQ10 for egg quality and my metformin to maintain my blood sugar. I am also back to eating paleo/keto and working out. Its insane what all the medications and the stress of cycling can do to your body.
I think that the next few months are going to go by quickly, summer will be here before we know it and we have big plans for some relaxing in the sunshine not to mention a whole bunch of birthdays, once September comes its back to school and then Halloween is here. I'll just be keeping my fingers crossed that the funding actually happens and nothing delays it. There are a LOT of families that are crossing their fingers for the same thing.

Almost Success

Another cycle has wrapped up and I have to admit that this has been my roughest one yet.
I was scheduled to go into my clinic 10 days after my transfer for my beta but by day 9 I was out of medication and truthfully I was just over it. I had been testing negative on the First Response tests and I was sure that it was over so I popped into the clinic a day early, while I was there I had them run my AMH which is the test to determine your egg supply.  This would be good information to have moving forward since at 33 I am now much older than 18 when I started this journey.
Later that day I got a phone call from the nurse, my beta had come back at 3 - technically negative because it was under 5 but because I have never had a beta over 0 (with the exception of my pregnancy with Maxwell) they wanted me to continue on the medication and return for another beta on Monday (day 13 past transfer). It was a long shot, it would be a true miracle if something came from that beta number but I decided to follow their instructions. Imagine my surprise when the following day I started to get a faint positive on the tests at home. By Saturday night I was getting a second line that was visible to even a non-POAS experts eyes.
Then it happened, I let myself believe it, I let myself believe that I was newly pregnant, I calculated my due date - December 27th, I debated about whether I wanted to find out the gender, I bought into the possibility that this could be our miracle.
Sunday morning my test looked lighter, I didn't panic, I thought that maybe I'd drank too much before bed but by Sunday night the second line was almost gone and I broke.
I sat in a bubble bath and cried until my body ached, this was new.... I never cry with failures anymore. I dried off and went to bed.... cried myself to sleep.
I woke up and tested again to prepare for the beta, stark white no sign of a line.
Puffy faced and red eyed I went to the clinic and got my blood drawn, talked to the nurse about the positive lines and that while I was sad I was also hopeful because it clearly showed that this new treatment had indeed worked. While I wouldn't be taking home a baby I perhaps now have the key for the next cycle and now I didn't think that PGD testing would be needed. My only hope now is that the blood work was elevated enough to confirm the "success" to the doctor since he was pretty reluctant to do it in the first place. I would save my pennies and plan for IVF #5 that's when the nurse gave me the news, my AMH results had come in and I now have low ovarian reserve, basically I am running out of eggs. When this is the case time isn't a friend and the clock seems to be running on fast forward. Do I even have a year to save without costing myself the loss of the eggs that I still have?
Hours later I get "the" call from the clinic, my beta came back at 3, it had dropped back to where it had started and all we now have to show the doctor is the pictures of the positive test. Will he agree to do the therapy again? Will he refuse and cause me to switch clinics? Will I decide that enough is enough and walk away? I don't know.... what I do know is that failure hurts less than almost success but there is no sense in wallowing in the pain. Time to dust myself off and move forward.

Lucky Day In A Busy Week

This week has been a busy one so far, my body decided to somehow skip a week in my cycle and I ended up having my embryo transfer done on day 9 which is the earliest that I have ever been ready for transfer. The day was hopefully filled with good luck because it was also my oldest son's 19th birthday - HOLY COW he is now NINETEEN!!!!
That blows my mind, blink and they grow and I am not at all prepared for it.
I am now 2dp3dt (2 days past a 3 day transfer) I have done everything that I can to improve my odds. This cycle I have done a uterine biopsy, steroids, blood thinners, intralipid infusion, neupogen injection, metformin and assisted hatching. My RE said the only thing left to add is prayer. I am trying to focus on the fact that I have given these little balls of cells the best possible environment that I can for them to nestle in and happily grow. There really is nothing more that I could have done. I wont lie the negative thoughts do creep in, I do find myself thinking about the fact that I don't have anymore embryos frozen and if this fails it will be another year of saving and waiting only to go through it all again with possibly the same results. When those thoughts sneak in I remind myself that its only 365 days, it will give me time to return to a more stable fitness/health routine, to maybe take a weekend away, to do some fireside socializing and catch my breath from a year that has been wonderful but certainly with unplanned aspects (like becoming the parent of a 7 year old on the severe end of the autism spectrum).
I am a realistic thinker but I do always seek out the silver lining. Just to be on the safe side though I think that I will pray that I wont need a silver lining this time.

Back In The Saddle

Last month I started prepping for the transfer of my last two frozen embryos.
I again cut out caffeine and have tried to get more rest, since I had recently done a D&C my doctor and I decided to do a biopsy instead as its less invasive.
This time around I also did something called intralipid infusion. Intralipid infusion therapy is a treatment, which is administered through an IV drip made from soya bean oil, egg yolk, glycerin and water. Intralipid Infusion therapy provides the body with essential fatty acids that help to lower the activity of Natural Killer (NK) cells. Natural Killer (NK) cells in women can cause the body to react abnormally to an implanting embryo, treating it as an invading cell and signaling for the body to attack it.
I had brought this up to my doctor before however he is an old school type of guy who likes to stay nicely within his tried and true comfort zone and therefore he wasn't very open to the concept.
Recently he began having another doctor working with him on Mondays and I just happened to end up in the clinic with her. We chatted about my history and with her fresh eyes on my file she suggested Intralipids. My old school doc reluctantly agreed and gave me the go ahead. I will be the first patient of his to have this treatment. While my hope obviously is that it works and I get pregnant I am also a little bit hopeful that if he sees it being successful for me after so many failures then he will be more open to the possibilities of treatments that sit outside his comfort zone and other patients who have repeat implantation failure may benefit. 
Today was my infusion and it was long but a piece of cake, I brought my IV bag of intralipid to the larger clinic where my embryos are stored and paid them $300 to fill my veins with what looked like bright white milk.
Seated in a recliner with a hot pack, blanket and can of ginger ale I got comfy and watched Netflix on my Ipad for four hours until my infusion was complete. I felt a bit nauseous but I think that was from skipping breakfast. 
I'll be back to my clinic in two days for blood work and lining check. The party has officially started.

On To The Next

After four negative tests to double check the weird maybe positive ones that I had gotten I went to the fertility clinic for an early beta which came back not surprisingly at 0 - failure again, I wish that I could say that I was surprised.
While there we sat down and had a WTF conversation that pretty much everyone has after a failed cycle... What The Fuck happened and what should we do next.
We still have two frozen embryos that we are going to use right away and then we have decided that if that cycle also fails we will do another fresh IVF cycle with PGS.
I am conflicted about my thoughts on this but I have given it a lot of consideration.
In the end there are 3 possible outcomes

1. We transfer genetically sound embryos and become pregnant

2. We discover that all of our embryos are genetically compromised and I have an answer for all of my failures which I think is a huge part of my issue with moving on from treatments.

3. We transfer genetically sound embryos and I still don't get pregnant at which point I must walk away knowing that I did everything within my power to become pregnant and it just wasn't meant to be.

In my opinion any of those three possibilities are worth the $15,000  that this will cost. Of course its my hope that my last two embryos work and we don't need to move on to another fresh cycle but I feel much more relaxed and at peace simply having a back up plan.

Now I am just waiting to call in "day 1" so that I can start the process for the next frozen transfer.
I literally have all my eggs in one basket.... no pressure ;) 

What is pre-implantation genetic screening (PGS)?

PGS (also known as aneuploidy screening) involves checking the chromosomes of embryos conceived by IVF or ICSI for common abnormalities. Chromosomal abnormalities are a major cause of the failure of embryos to implant, and of miscarriages.

Well That's Confusing

Its 6am and I stumble to the bathroom half asleep, collect my FMU for today's test and decide that since my FRER supply is running low I will just test with a cheapie that I ordered in bulk from the internet. Wait the allotted time and take a look.... blink and look again.... is that a faint second line???? Better test again to be sure...... again there's what looks like a second line - a "squinter" as its known in the TTC community.
Well this must be confirmed before I get excited and so I rip open a FRER and get to testing.... only one single line - WTF

Thinking that the cheapie tests must be dreaded evaporation lines I dig yesterdays tests out of the garbage only to find that there is no sign of any evap lines on them. Now I am even more confused. While technically the cheapie tests claim to detect a smaller level of HCG (10miu) and the FRER claims to detect 25miu everyone knows that the FRER actually detects around 7miu so in reality it should have become positive before the cheapie test.
Now today I have two options..... linger in the confusion and have a serious discussion with my uterus about tomorrows test or try and hold my pee for 8 hours to collect a similar sample from this morning. Having just finished this mornings coffee something tells me that my bladder will make the final decision.

I Can Feel The Hope Fading

Its inevitable, there's always that one day during the cycle where the emotions get the best of you and the hopeful sparkle starts to dull. That day hit me full steam this morning. I fully expected to wake up and be met with two beautiful lines on a pregnancy test and it didn't happen.
While I am not totally out of the game yet, at 8dp3dt I would expect to see something faint on the gold standard of tests. To be honest right now I am just in the mindset of making it through the day so that I am one day closer to this being over.... so that we can start all over next month with our last two embryos.

The POAS party has started

Yep you read that right the POAS (pee on a stick) party has started so join me as the insanity grows daily.
This is the time of cycling when the mind becomes a monster and the hormones and hopes/fears take over all rational thoughts.
This cycle I have decided to use FRER tests (first response early result).... you know the ones, they claim that they can detect a pregnancy 5-6 days before a missed period. While there are claims of women getting positive results very early many (I'd even dare to say the majority) do not.

My initial intention wasn't to test until I was 8dp3dt (8 days past my 3 day transfer) which would be the equivalent of 11 days past ovulation however as I've said before I lack all willpower and I started testing yesterday at day 6.
Both yesterdays day 6 and today's day 7 tests looked negative to me which was slightly disappointing but not unexpected. I am still hopeful and am keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrows test shows that much sought after second line.

 6dp3dt

7dp3dt

My Dearest Valentine.....

Most valentines we celebrate the same way, with a quickly wished happy valentines and maybe a card, nothing to fancy to celebrate an extremely commercialized holiday. This year we had the opportunity to do something different and decided that it would be fun. We went to a legion hall in a neighbouring small town and had dinner and participated in a version of "the newlywed game". You know the game, husbands and wives are asked questions and try to match their answers. After 15 years together I thought that it would be fun to see how much we really knew about each other, especially since it frequently has felt over the years like we are just two ships passing in the night.
Dinner was great.... roast, veggies, salad and dessert then it was time for the game to begin. Seated along with three other couples we discovered during the introductions that we are the "old couple" the couple with the longest marriage and the only couple with kids (although two contestants were pregnant).
Armed with a pad of paper and a sharpie marker we did our best. By the end of round one we were losing.... 6 measly points. Clearly we need to spend more time discussing our secret wishes of super powers and which animals we would like to become if given the option. For the record never have I wanted to be a tiger.... ever. We were doomed. Then something happened, the questions turned more serious what would your spouse say is your favourite memory, where was your first kiss, then the questions got MORE personal oddest place you've had sex, how do you know when your spouse is in the mood. Holy crap, they were getting embarrassing to answer with my parents in the audience.
At the end of the game we were tied for first place.... after the tie breaker we came in second but now should the question which of your friends would your husband have sex with ever get asked I'll be ready LOL

The night was great, I realized that we really did know each other much better than we thought and we won a gift certificate for dinner out - win win.
The following morning we dropped the kids off at Nanna's house and headed to the clinic for our embryo transfer (closest thing to getting knocked up on Valentines Day that I'll ever get). I had brought all of the good luck things that Dom had found leading up to our appointment and I just felt like I was in a good head space, cautiously optimistic and maybe even a wee bit hopeful. With legs in stirrups the lab tech came in to verify our info and let us know that our embryos were compacting morulas consistent with day four embryos which is awesome because we were only technically day 3. Never in all of our cycles have I had a compacting morula, my slow to grow "duds" were actually champs in disguise. Doctor described the cycle as couldn't ask for better. Home I went to take it easy and was happy to discover Cheaper By The Dozen on TV.... if you've read my blog then you'd know that this is a movie that has shaped the type of family that I wanted to create. The following day I went to bed and was met with The Blind Side which was the correct answer that Dom gave when asked Whats your wife's favourite movie.
Today I am 3dp4dt (3 days past a 4 day transfer OR 7 days past ovulation) - the time is going by both fast and slow. I am fluctuating between hopeful and pessimistic but I think that's pretty realistic and to be expected.  Next week I'll start testing in hopes of seeing two lines.... fingers crossed.

Thirty Three Thoughts

With my birthday two days away I thought that I would pass along some of the insights and words of wisdom that I have learned in my (almost) 33 years on this earth.
Here goes...

1. Silly string is fun no matter how old you are but be sure to get it out of your hair as quickly as you can, its a real bitch to pick out once it dries.

2. Always tip well, especially if its a place you think you'll visit frequently. Nobody wants to be the regular that tips like shit.

3. Maintain your eyebrows, its hard to keep eye contact if there are distracting brows stealing the focus.

4. Don't be the weirdo that checks themselves out in the gym mirror..... seriously don't, its creepy.

5. Smile at strangers, pay a compliment. Your nice words could be the nicest thing they have heard in a long time. Take a minute and think about that..... for the rest of their lives the memory of you will make a stranger smile.

6. Practice random acts of kindness daily, small or big, every act is appreciated

7. No matter how much you appreciate your own grass, sometimes the grass just looks greener in someone else's yard. Its normal and ok but before you get to caught up in trying to make your lawn look like theirs think for a moment about how much shit they may use for fertiliser. 

8. Food trucks often have the yummiest items.

9. They say that marriage is 50/50 but it's a lie, marriage is 100/100 and only putting in 50% of the effort just isn't enough.

10. Tattoos are indeed addictive

11. Family doesn't have to be blood, it doesn't have to look like everyone else's. Families can fight and be angry with each other, what differentiates family from friends is that family gets over it.

12. Whenever waitstaff asks if you want cheese or bacon say yes..... why the hell not?!

13. Jealousy is like salt, a little bit can enhance the food but too much ruins the whole thing.

14. Not everyone is going to like you and that's ok. Don't try to impress them or persuade them.

15. Insecurity is an ugly trait. There is nothing that makes a person more appealing than confidence (but don't become a douche)

16. You can look great at any size if you dress for your body shape.

17. Not everyone will agree with your life choices, the people that matter will support you regardless.

18. Its normal to have quirks, kinks and things about yourself that are "weird" - that's what makes people interesting.

19. Don't be passive aggressive its just annoying. If you have something to say just say it.

20. Do your best. Your only competition is you.

21. If you don't like something change it, yep its that simple because what you allow is what will continue.

22. There is a freedom in being silly (I'm still working on this one)

23. Dancing when nobody is watching is a must, that's when the best moves are practiced

24. Everybody sings in the car.... everybody

25. Don't talk on your cell phone while waiting in line, its rude and nobody wants to hear your conversation

26. Don't be transparent, keep little pieces of yourself secret and be selective about who gets to see them.

27. Every now and then be brave, do something totally outside of your comfort zone. You may hate it but the experience will give you a rush

28. The scale is the devil, the body can look very different while weighing the same thing depending on body composition.

29. Its ok to throw yourself a pity party every now and again but don't linger there. Don't be the person who brings everyone else down. Besides, there are people in life who's problems are way worse than yours. One last tip on pity party attitudes... the FML status on social media creates an immediate eye roll for all those who read it.

30. Have special sayings with those you love, code words and inside jokes..... that's how you secure your relationship with your people.

31. Getting into a neat and tidy bed at the end of the day can sometimes feel like the most relaxing thing on the planet.

32. Failure is part of life, it sucks in the moment but it can serve as a life lesson.

33. Caffeine and orgasms are the best treatment for headaches.

There you have it, 33 of my most useful facts. Take them or leave them or better yet comment and share your insights.
 

Cringle McJingle the elf on the shelf

I think that by now most people with children are familiar with the elf on the shelf which is quickly becoming a popular Christmas tradition, if you aren't familiar with this trend let me take a minute to give you a quick education.
The elf on the shelf is from the north pole and he is sent from Santa himself to help manage the nice & naughty list. When your elf arrives you must give him a name, its then that he receives his magic. As still as a statue he watches all day then once the kiddos are asleep he flies back to Santa's workshop to give the Big Guy a run down of the behaviours of the day. When the kids awake in the morning the elf has returned and is ready to watch them again. Each day he is in a different place often times doing an activity. He must NEVER be touched, his would be tragic, his magic will be lost and he will then return to the north pole forever.

This is our first year with an elf on the shelf, Cringle McJingle won the name debate (Sugar Cookiebottom was a close contender).
I gave much thought to whether to start this tradition, its a lot of work. I now must outlast the kids at bedtime and very stealth like move this elf around the house being ever so careful not to get caught, it also requires being creative and tapping into my silly side (which I tend to keep buried deep).
Its fun and its made getting up and ready for school go smoother because the kids cant go looking for Mr. McJingle until they are ready.
While the holidays are a fantastic time for most children, for the adults it can be a time of stress, frustration and sadness. Money gets tight, distance from family and friends is felt and the stress tends to lead to bickering and arguments with the ones we hold close. While Christmas is magical it can also be an emotionally draining season. I will gladly take every available opportunity to keep the month lighthearted, to be able to see my kids smile and laugh each morning and know that I secretly caused it, to see my husband watch my nightly missions and just shake his head at my unusually juvenile attitude... its worth it, its totally worth it. 

To learn more about the Elf On The Shelf click HERE

Well Hello There

Its been quite a while since I last blogged, months actually.
Its now a new season, I woke to the world being snow covered and sparkly and my life is good. I kept my promise to myself that I would keep the "new" me around and while my every morning may not be filled with inner peace and happiness it is filled with lots and lots of coffee perfectly brewed and handed to me by my loving husband.
Why is he home every morning you ask? well because part of me being happy is him being happy and that meant transferring to a new position at work. This position came with more difficult hours when raising a family and less money but it provided less anxiety and stress so the trade off seemed worth it. Now I have my own personal tattooed barista so I'm not complaining. 
We have also welcomed a seven year old boy into our family, whether his stay will be temporary or permanent only time will tell. What this means is that I now spend my days raising five young men - explains my love of coffee right?!
I make an effort to eat decently, exercise frequently and sleep whenever possible, I figured at the very least I owe myself that much. I needed a foundation to build from and the heart and mind wont be happy if the body is falling apart.
Well that's all for now but I promise that I wont be scarce - chat soon.

Stay Caffeinated; 
Cassandra

Not Your Typical Morning

I've been struggling with this post, whether to write it or not.... whether its over sharing or whether it may be helpful if someone is in a similar boat. I didn't have the words, I still don't know if I do but my therapist encourages writing as method of purging our thoughts and feelings so we have room for new ones (blah blah blah)
Realistically the last few posts have been about the inner workings of my lady parts so I guess in comparison this isn't really all that private.
Life can be messy and complicated and stressful and everyone has their own ways of coping. Most people find a way to deal with situations when they arise and when they are over life is back to normal but what happens when those stressful situations are the normal?
Welcome to my world, My coping method has always been to just pull up my big girl panties and carry on,  Do whats expected, meet and exceed everything, prove everyone wrong.... just do it, Don't ruffle feathers unless its absolutely required, keep your drama to yourself and don't burden others with your pesky expectations or emotions.
Parents ugly divorce, living low income, teenage pregnancy, raising a son while still raising myself, miscarriage, postpartum depression, infertility, marital strife, adoptions, cancer, autism, children with medical needs, death and than the day to day stresses that just come with life - I just coasted. I put one foot in front of the other and those situations became my world and I expected that to always be my method.
Then one morning a few weeks ago something happened, I woke up and realized that while things were the same they were different. That when life goes from constant chaos to semi calm its surreal and it comes with time to reflect. I was able to see that there are aspects of myself and my life that I simply don't like, I haven't liked them for a long time but I've never wanted to rock the boat and so I just sailed along despite my thoughts and feelings. That morning was different, I was different, somehow changed over night and determined not to go back to my old way of being in the world.
I said what needed to be said to people and I made my expectations clear, I wasn't happy with my body or my health and so I committed to change. I realized that I was burdening my children by coddling them and so I delivered responsibilities and consequences. That morning it was clear to me that the world I'd created for myself wasn't even one that I liked and what was worse was I really didn't (and still don't) know what my ideal world even looks like. What I do know is that I will never get to it if I continue to be the way that I was. Change is hard, while I am excited about the possibilities of my future I can see that those around me are uncomfortable. I can see that they would rather things go back to "normal" and while I love them, I just cant let that happen. Eventually with time the new me will be "normal" and they will adjust and maybe just maybe there wont be any more eye opening and life altering mornings, there will only be mornings filled with inner peace, happiness and coffee.... lots and lots of coffee. 

CBC News - The IVF vs BMI Debate

Today I got to participate in a radio interview about my thoughts on whether IVF should be denied to women based on their BMI.
I was nervous but I think that its a topic that needs some discussion and if I can be a part of that chat than I am going to put myself out there no matter the nerves that I may have felt and the opinions of others that I would hear and read that differed from my own.
IVF has been something that has consumed my entire adult life and so its a topic that has my attention and passion.
Infertility comes with its own weight challenges, medication causes weight gain, its hard to be motivated when you are sad and feeling like a failure and it just may be that you have a condition that causes some extra weight (such as PCOS). Regardless of the reason I think that weight is only a small portion of the whole conversation that needs to be had, the discussion needs to be about so much more.... Do you smoke, drink, make good lifestyle choices, how are your hormones and blood pressure and mental health, are you diabetic or do you have some other disease/disorder/ailment that would be problematic to pregnancy and parenting?  Encouraging a healthy lifestyle is always a good idea but denying the right to try and become a mother until an outdated math equation creates a "healthy" number despite all other aspects being favourable is not what I would consider putting the patient first.

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/may-12-2014-1.2908150/should-doctors-allow-obese-women-to-have-ivf-1.2908155

Hope and Reality

Yesterday I was feeling pretty low, the feeling that your body is inexplicably broken is not a fun one.
This cycle I did everything right, I was healthier then I'd previously been, my hormones were all good, my lining was stellar, I had done some autoimmune treatments and my embryos were good quality. There is NO reason for them to implant yet by all accounts they hadn't.
I was feeling bitter and angry but checking the mail changed that. A few years ago my cousin was wanting to start her family and it didn't come as easy as it should. Understanding the initial hope and despair that comes with that new aspect of her life I wanted to do something. I sent her a crystal baby pacifier for good luck and thankfully she was able to go on and quickly have two beautiful girls.
I got that pacifier back yesterday along with a note saying that I should hold on to it for a while and hopefully it will bring me luck too.
The tears started and all my previous stoic ability was lost. It was then that I heard from a nurse friend, she asked me if I'd ever used an hpt with whole blood instead of urine.
I thought she was crazy but decided what the hell I'd give it a shot.
Once home I googled and apparently this is now commonly done in emergency rooms and medical studies support the claims that its accurate.... ok good to know.
Image my surprise when I poke my finger and get a positive result. Got to be a fluke..... two more tests both positive. I went to bed last night slightly hopeful but this mornings still negative urine test made me skeptical again. Whether this blood on hpt method works or not I don't know but I do that for the moment it raised my spirits with its possibility.
Unfortunately my blood work was negative.... beta hcg of 0.5
So now I start over, I start saving money again and I start collecting my optimism for the next round.
Whenever that may be. 

9dp3dt - FRER Results

Pregnancy tests are a complicated thing, who would have guessed that a piece of plastic that you pee on could be so stressful.
Pregnancy tests measure a hormone called HCG and different tests measure different levels of that hormone.
With Maxwell I used cheap internet tests that pick up levels of 25. I got an almost invisible line at 8dpt, then at 9dpt it was super light but there then at 10dpt I got my blood work done to confirm the test and the level was 124 if memory serves me correctly.
This cycle am using a type of test called First Response Early Result (or FRER in the infertility world). This test is one of the most sensitive brands and has been known to detect the hormone at 6mlu or less.
Today I am 9 days past transfer and my test was negative, while I suppose there is the "late implanter" theory I am fairly certain that it just didn't work (again).
I wish I was surprised but I'm truthfully not. I tried very hard to be hopeful do the whole positive thinking thing but it wasn't helpful apparently.
Its not over until my beta test (blood work) on Tuesday but I wont hold my breath for a different outcome.

Lets Limbo!

Today I am 6dp3dt which is the equivalent of 9 days past ovulation and if we want to go by statistics then today is the most common date of implantation.
I don't know if that is true or not but I am certainly not feeling so hot today. I have cramps and a backache and in truth it feels like PMS. I cant really give too much thought to the symptoms though because the medication mimics both PMS and pregnancy.
Now is the time when I can realistically start testing although I may not see a positive result for days (if at all).
For me emotionally this is the time when I start to get a little emotionally out of sorts. One second I am hopeful and then next I am convinced that its a bust, one moment I am gushing over baby clothes in the store and the next I am thinking about how to quickly save money for the next cycle.
Google becomes a best friend and enemy at the same time and if someone checked the computer history then they would find lots of searches for implantation, hpt sensitivity and many more mind numbing yet time killing topics. 
Only five more days to go until the blood test.... once way or another this part of the limbo will be done then.

PUPO - 2dp3dt

We did it. On Friday morning Dom and I went to the fertility clinic before dawn and transferred 3 embryos.
Two were good quality and one was so-so but the lab tech clarified that if it was good enough to freeze then it is good enough to have a reasonable expectation for it to continue to grow and develop.
I am now what those in the infertility world know as PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise), today I am 2dt3dt (2 days past a 3 day transfer).
Now that I have added an anticoagulant to my daily medication I am beginning to get the oh the lovely bruises, they are war wounds I guess but they make me sore and not so appealing to look at.
I typically start testing at home on day seven but this time around I think I want to see how long I can hold out. While its possible to get a positive test at seven days its not likely until around day 10+
So even if this cycle works I may see a few negative tests before I see a positive one and those stark white pee sticks can be really hard on the spirit and they make positive thinking pretty tricky.
I am hopeful, I am thinking about what I will do if it works, I am trying to be more optimistic then my usual realistic thinking self. I have a feeling that the two weeks will fly by because all I want to do is sleep, between the progesterone and the Benedryl I am exhausted and am taking full advantage of the ability to nap.
The bloating has kicked in and so my wardrobe is now yoga pants, dresses and skirts, who doesn't love comfortable attire though???

Fingers crossed for the next two weeks!